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Weird food issues seem to be gone for good. \o/

My sleep schedule hasn't settled, though, which is probably partly my fault for not setting a consistent bedtime and thus not having a roughly consistent getting-up time. Since I take the pills with breakfast, this also introduces several hours of variability into that schedule.

Anyway, I was crushingly exhausted in the afternoons on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, which resulted in two-hour naps on the latter two days. I was not similarly tired today, and I wonder if that's because I tend to drink tea (and thus get a dose of caffeine) much earlier in the day on work days. But I do the same on Saturdays -- albeit one hour later -- so... a mystery!

Additionally, last night I could not sleep for shit. I used to have mild insomnia as a child and teenager -- the kind where you just can't make your brain shut off no matter how tired you are -- but I had some meditative techniques that mostly worked and that had largely stopped being an issue by my early twenties anyway. (By which I mean, if I had told myself stories when falling asleep as a teen, I would have been up all night, whereas for the past fifteen years such storytelling has been my most reliable way to make myself fall asleep.) Monday night felt like I was eighteen again and could not fall into more than a thin and restless slumber for love or money. It was very frustrating, and I hope that does not repeat tonight.

My mood has been neutral to mildly positive, and while my motivation and time management continue to be iffy and liable to vanish without warning, the world does not feel crushing and impossible, so there's that. I feel like I will get my list of stuff done, even if I don't get to any given task on the first day I schedule for an attempt. That is a noticeable change. :)
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
Weird food issues have disappeared -- I am now experiencing hunger correctly, and food once again has flavor. Yay!

I did an experiment on Wednesday night to see how the medication interacted with alcohol. The answer is that it is pretty much as I remembered from my last stint on anti-depressants: namely, that I get really mellow-floaty-detached on remarkably little alcohol, and the next day I feel like I've missed an entire week of sleep. So I will parcel out my two remaining bottles of hard cider on carefully chosen occasions when I have no responsibilities the next day, and the bottle of rosé wine in my fridge will remain unopened until such time as I have guests over to help finish it. And I will just not buy alcohol for the next couple years. *wry*

I am unsure if there's been any particular effect on my mood. I mean, the world is currently in color instead of flat and gray and distant. But I'm not really motivated in any sense, I still have a persistent sense of isolation/futility, and I've let a bunch of planned tasks slide these past few days. So I'll keep an eye on that going forward.
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
Today was pretty good, actually!

I was tired, but I'm fairly sure that was because I got inadequate sleep rather than a medication side-effect. Food tasted like food again, and I was... not eager for lunch and dinner, precisely, but mildly interested in the idea of eating. I also worked up the spoons to cook the steak and noodles I'd been meaning to cook for a couple days.

Of course, last night after I made yesterday's post I had some nasty gastrointestinal distress, so I wouldn't say everything is perfect, but with a pinch of luck I am adjusting and things will get better from here on out. :)
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
Exhaustion returned with a vengeance, ugh. I had no motivation or energy through the majority of the day and eventually gave up in favor of a nap around 4pm. I slept for slightly over two hours and could happily have made it a four- or five-hour nap if that wouldn't have utterly mucked up my attempt to reestablish a regular sleep schedule.

I am still very unenthused about food. I had a weird moment around 6:30pm (shortly after getting up from the nap) where I felt like I might faint if I didn't eat something soon while simultaneously feeling vaguely nauseated at the thought of eating. I made myself eat some yogurt and felt better thereafter, to the point where I was able to talk myself into cooking the broccoli I'd had on hand for a couple days and eating an actual dinner. I mean, I didn't finish the dinner -- I put the leftovers away in the fridge for tomorrow -- but I got through about 2/3 of it and it had vegetables (broccoli), protein (steak), and starch (elbow noodles), so I count that a victory. It also didn't taste entirely of nothing, though lunch did taste horribly bland, so maybe there is hope that my taste buds and my brain will fix their currently glitched out connection?

Internal temperature regulation glitches continued, to my displeasure. They were worst between about 1pm and 7pm, but seem to have evened out for now.

I've also had a nagging not-quite-headache lurking around the edges of my skull all day, though that may be unrelated to the medication.
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
I'm still very "oh yeah, food is a thing, isn't it?" Like, I can feel the physical sensation of hunger to the point of mild discomfort and my mental/emotional reaction is just kind of... "well that sure is a thing I am feeling" without any particular urgency to do something about it.

Normally flavorful foods also continue to taste bland and unappetizing, which is deeply weird.

Still kind of tired, though today that may just be because I was up late finishing my NFE draft last night, blargh.

I've been having some minor internal temperature regulation glitches -- suddenly feeling too hot or too cold with no correlation to the actual outside temperature. That is a thing my body likes to do to me any time I'm feeling generally rundown, though, so I figure it's probably a general "yikes, something is changing! throw the temperature alarm???" response rather than a medication-specific reaction.

Less gas today, which is nice!
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
Food is still very unappetizing. On the one hand, this does make it a lot easier not to eat excessive snacks at work. On the other hand, it's hard to convince myself to eat something nutritious for dinner when nothing sounds appealing and my comfort foods are all terrible carbohydrate things. (Well. I mean. Oatmeal is not terrible, but one cannot live on oatmeal alone -- though adding craisins and milk would probably extend the time limit.) I had to keep adding salt to both lunch and dinner to make them taste vaguely palatable, which is not great as a long-term strategy. (Though apparently low sodium is also a potential side effect of Celexa? Maybe that is why I am craving salt more than I usually do? (And trust me, I already crave salt a lot.))

In contrast to my sudden yen for salt, sugar is dramatically less appealing than usual. I was actually kind of grossed out by a chocolate chip cookie this afternoon, which was disconcerting.

Minor gastrointestinal discomfort, though I'm not sure if that's medication related or ovulation related, since I get minor ghost cramps/discomfort around every second or third ovulation and I'm pretty sure I'm getting my period in approximately two weeks. *wry*

Much less exhausted today, though still more tired than seems reasonable considering I slept nine hours last night.

No discernible effect on concentration/motivation, but I don't really expect anything on that front for another week at least.
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
All the sleep I've missed over the past ten years came due at once. This is doubly weird since I actually got a full eight hours last night. But I took an afternoon nap, and I think I'm going to bed by 9pm tonight because holy gods I cannot reliably keep my eyes open.

I have also spent the day feeling kind of "Ugh, food" which is an interesting change over being reliably hungry every three to five hours. It's not exactly nausea, and not exactly lack of hunger/disinterest, but more a general discomfort/disgust at the thought of eating any of the leftovers in my fridge. That is strange because they are delicious things and just yesterday I was excited about eating them. *hands* I had mozzarella sticks for lunch and ramen for dinner instead, because at least that's calories and instant ramen noodles (sans broth) are a comfort-food of mine, in a backhanded way.

Occasional general jitteriness has also made an appearance and I hope it fucks right back off again ASAP.
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
1. We have started apartment tours at the rental office: Wednesday was the first day, with three scheduled tours. (We do not have model apartments, so our tours go to occupied units and we therefore schedule them in advance so as to provide tenants with a day's warning.) Nobody showed up for the first tour, which was amusing since we have received phone and email inquiries about two-bedroom units. The second tour, for a four-bedroom unit, got about twelve people, and the third tour (a six-bedroom unit) got so many people we had to split into two groups when taking them in to the actual apartment. That is par for the course at this time of year -- the multi-person units go fastest because there are fewer of them, and some are much more desirable than others.

2. I had my appointment this morning and left with a one-month prescription for a Celexa generic (20mg dose per pill), which I picked up this afternoon while buying groceries. I will start taking the pills tonight with dinner. The nurse practitioner will call me to check up in two weeks, and we will do an in-person followup in a month. (That is not actually scheduled yet since the medical group hadn't created her schedule that far in advance -- she is apparently a newish hire so they haven't set a fixed pattern for her yet -- but the office will call me to set a date once they know her availability.)

3. This evening, pushing forward with my surge of "oh god please motivation again soon???" I FINALLY put in my Not the IRS applications -- one as a tax preparer and one as a receptionist -- so that process is now in motion.

4. Oh! And I got my official acceptance letter from TC3 a few days ago. So now I need to call the admissions office to see if there are any additional hoops I need to jump through, or if I can skip directly to setting up an appointment with a student success adviser to discuss the quickest way to complete an AA degree, because yay trained monkey papers. *wry*
edenfalling: circular blue mosaic depicting stylized waves (ocean mosaic)
I am starting to feel vaguely like I could maybe one day put words on a page again, which in retrospect has made me realize that I've been in a blue funk on top of general gray malaise for the past week or two. Whoops! I mean, you'd think the sleeping schedule fucked to hell and back and the obsessive reading in a completely unfamiliar fandom would have been major tip-offs, but apparently not. Apparently those symptoms have started to feel normal.

(This is worrying. I rely on contrast to tell me when my brain is temporarily dropping me down a well, so I can deploy emergency countermeasures, but if 'normal' is already a third to half of the way down the well... eurgh.)

Anyway, I have not yet heard back from the doctors' billing office, so I'm going to call again on Monday to ask what's up with that and also try making an appointment even if they don't yet have my billing status figured out.

Because I am really thinking it is time for meds again. *sigh*
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
1. I totally forgot today was the eclipse -- I plead lack of sleep and also distraction (volunteering at the final day of my church's annual rummage sale) -- but fortunately I got my two sale rooms closed down by 2pm and was able first to see several pinhole projections other church members were using out on the sidewalk, and later to get a direct look through some glasses that Upstairs Neighbor E lent me while I was out walking Dottie.

It was pretty cool to see the moon take a bite out of the sun. :) It was also vaguely disquieting, because the sky went... not dark, you couldn't remotely call it dark... but noticeably gray. The color desaturated. Also, when Dottie decided that her midafternoon walk should end with a five minute relaxing lie-down in a sunny patch of grass, the direct sunlight was not nearly as warm as it should have been for that time of day and the ambient temperature. So, nothing dramatic, probably nothing I would have noticed if I hadn't been aware of the eclipse and therefore actively paying attention, but still. Pretty cool. :)

2. I called the doctors' office about getting a psychiatric evaluation/anti-depressant prescription, but was unable to make an appointment yet because I'm in a weird limbo where they're not sure if I count as a new or a returning patient, since my last appointment was apparently three years ago. The clerk who answered the phone took some information about my insurance and has sent an inquiry to their billing department. A representative should call me later this week, after which I will be able to schedule an appointment.

3. Three of my squash plants seem pretty definitively dead. The fourth (which was worst hit by the powdery mildew but seems to have escaped the wilting sickness that subsequently struck the other three) might be in the early stages of slow recovery. So I think I'll uproot the dead ones on Wednesday or Thursday and plant new seeds.

4. My church's rummage sale went pretty well, all things considered. I worked 12-4pm on Sunday, and 10-2pm today. The sale runs Saturday-Monday. Saturday is full-price, Sunday is half-price, and Monday is free with a donation box placed prominently at the exit. (We used to have Monday be 10-cent day, but that was immensely aggravating to everyone involved, so we swapped over to "free, but have you seen this donation box???" It turns out we not only save time this way, we actually bring in more money!) Monday is also the day we do preliminary breakdown, starting around noon -- first we start taking down a bunch of the shelving, and then we box everything up and cart it downstairs to the parlor so as to make things less inconvenient for the people hauling the unsold items away Tuesday morning.

(I think the unsold books go to the Friends of the Library book sale, but I wouldn't swear to it. The remaining fabric scraps probably go to one of the local sewing co-ops. I am also unsure what happens to the unsold linens and toys, though I think again there may be arrangements with various local charities. The rest... well, most of it goes to the dump. *sigh* But hey, it was going there anyway, and the sale does save an astonishing amount of stuff from being scrapped.)

5. Cornell classes started today, which meant that last week (and specifically Saturday) were the crush days for students moving back to Ithaca. And also students panicking and realizing they've forgotten to rent parking spaces. *wry* So the rental office was VERY BUSY -- in fact, Mom Boss and Aunt Boss came in to work from ~11am-4pm so we had four people in the office (usually Miss Cactus and I cover Saturdays alone), and that extra staffing was NECESSARY.

We will continue to be busy through... hmm... early October, probably? Here is why: A) people working out the glitches in their new apartments and returning their damage deposit inspection forms; B) the final parking rental rush; C) quarterly rent payments are due; D) people hurrying to pay for internet service after the free trial period ends; D) price listings for the 2018-19 year go up and we start apartment tours; E) current tenants get a couple weeks to renew or switch apartments before open renting starts; and F) open renting starts halfway through September.

But at least we're mostly done with key returns and sign-outs, we have the nice new folders for next year's leases set up, damage deposits and summer photographs are all done, and most of the giant packages in which people ship furnishings to themselves have arrived and been picked up. So that's something!

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Elizabeth Culmer

September 2017

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