Elizabeth Culmer (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
edenfalling) wrote2019-01-30 06:04 pm
edenfalling) wrote2019-01-30 06:04 pm
Entry tags:
wherein Liz discusses some family changes
I have been sitting on this for a couple weeks, but I have permission to talk about it now, so.
It turns out that I don't actually have a little sister Vicky. Instead, I have a little brother Nicholas! (Hence my request for ridiculous nickname assistance.)
Nick hasn't told our parents yet, but intends to do that sometime in February. He's also started on testosterone.
I think at this point I am mostly tangled up in how to refer to our childhood, which is something I need to hash out with him because all the options are messy and I want to make sure he gets to pick what type of messy he prefers. Like, do I talk about tiny!us as sisters, and then maybe run into explaining that no, I had a sister but now I have a brother, or do I talk about tiny!us as sister and brother and then run up against all the ways that social gender expectations make our childhood interactions read really weird if you're imagining a girl and her little brother instead of a girl and her little sister, or do I preface everything with an awkward construction like, "back when we thought Nick was my sister..."? *hands* In an ideal world, nobody would care, but there is no ideal world because people have conflicting needs and also language is inherently imprecise and it's very frustrating.
On a less fraught note, I also have a weird kneejerk "no, you need a second middle name!" reaction because Nick's new name no longer fits the rhythm of a silly personalized lullaby our dad made up for both of us. (It goes "[Name] Elizabeth Culmer [Name], it's time to go to sleep my dear," or conversely, "Victoria [Name] Culmer [Name], it's time to go to sleep my dear." And "Nicholas Culmer [Name] is missing some necessary beats.) This distressed me enough that it kept me awake one night until I dredged up another family middle name that fit the rhythm, making him "Nicholas [Name] Culmer [Name]" and then I fell asleep feeling that I'd resolved a huge problem. Which is ridiculous, because A) it's Nick's name; he can do what he wants with it, and B) Dad hasn't sung that lullaby to either of us for something like fifteen years now. But brains are weird.
Anyway, I really like Nick's new name, because it preserves the same etymological root (just Greek instead of Roman) and also a similar sound in nickname form. (Hopefully this will help prevent verbal slips!)
Also I really want to be able to give him a hug in person, but geography inconveniently exists and thus we are separated by about a thousand miles. :(
It turns out that I don't actually have a little sister Vicky. Instead, I have a little brother Nicholas! (Hence my request for ridiculous nickname assistance.)
Nick hasn't told our parents yet, but intends to do that sometime in February. He's also started on testosterone.
I think at this point I am mostly tangled up in how to refer to our childhood, which is something I need to hash out with him because all the options are messy and I want to make sure he gets to pick what type of messy he prefers. Like, do I talk about tiny!us as sisters, and then maybe run into explaining that no, I had a sister but now I have a brother, or do I talk about tiny!us as sister and brother and then run up against all the ways that social gender expectations make our childhood interactions read really weird if you're imagining a girl and her little brother instead of a girl and her little sister, or do I preface everything with an awkward construction like, "back when we thought Nick was my sister..."? *hands* In an ideal world, nobody would care, but there is no ideal world because people have conflicting needs and also language is inherently imprecise and it's very frustrating.
On a less fraught note, I also have a weird kneejerk "no, you need a second middle name!" reaction because Nick's new name no longer fits the rhythm of a silly personalized lullaby our dad made up for both of us. (It goes "[Name] Elizabeth Culmer [Name], it's time to go to sleep my dear," or conversely, "Victoria [Name] Culmer [Name], it's time to go to sleep my dear." And "Nicholas Culmer [Name] is missing some necessary beats.) This distressed me enough that it kept me awake one night until I dredged up another family middle name that fit the rhythm, making him "Nicholas [Name] Culmer [Name]" and then I fell asleep feeling that I'd resolved a huge problem. Which is ridiculous, because A) it's Nick's name; he can do what he wants with it, and B) Dad hasn't sung that lullaby to either of us for something like fifteen years now. But brains are weird.
Anyway, I really like Nick's new name, because it preserves the same etymological root (just Greek instead of Roman) and also a similar sound in nickname form. (Hopefully this will help prevent verbal slips!)
Also I really want to be able to give him a hug in person, but geography inconveniently exists and thus we are separated by about a thousand miles. :(
no subject
For talking about it, I think I'd just ask him what he prefers? Maybe he's fine with you talking about your childhood with your "sister" for purposes of shorthanding it to acquaintances, or maybe he'd rather be called your brother in all situations, or have you use "sibling". I think different people are gonna have different preferences for that kind of thing.
This came up recently with my husband's brother's spouse, who is non-binary, which doesn't really have an easy set of natural-sounding-in-English options for describing their relationships, especially to me. So I just asked them, and they said they're fine with being referred to as my sister-in-law or their kids' mom as an everyday talking-to-acquaintances type of thing; they just would prefer NB pronouns when referring to them directly. But obviously this will vary hugely by person; someone else might want something totally different.
no subject
Judging by their track record, our parents will be kind of ??? about the whole thing, but will remain loving and supportive.