edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
I started my increased dose of Celexa on Sunday. For whatever reason, it is not technically possible to get a 30mg pill of Celexa (or generic), so our choices were either take one-and-a-half 20mg pills, or take three 10mg pills. Splitting pills is a pain, so my doctor and I went the second route. The pills are so tiny, I always feel like I'm going to lose them in the gaps between my fingers no matter how tightly I press them together. *hands*

Anyway, I have been absurdly exhausted this week, but as always I am unsure how much of that is the medication and how much is my generally terrible sleep patterns. However, I have noticed that I've been sleeping... not badly, exactly, but more lightly/less deeply? Also having more weird dreams, or at least more weird dreams that I remember because I'm just awake/aware enough to notice them as they happen. And I am pretty sure that part is a medication side-effect.

Anyway, I am trying a new policy of going the fuck to bed by 11pm every night. I have not had great luck imposing bedtimes on myself in the past, but I think part of the problem is that my previous bedtime attempts have been more in the nature of "if you are still up at this hour, something has gone Terribly Wrong and you must initiate Emergency Sleep Protocols immediately" and by the time I've reached that point, I am so tired I can't make good decisions anymore so I just stay up even later. I figure 11pm is early enough to avoid that pitfall, and also making my cutoff happen before midnight avoids another mental pitfall of "oh well it's tomorrow already; I might as well stay up another hour." So fingers crossed, I guess.

...

Tangentially, today I failed to give blood for the second month in a row, because I am a little bit under the Red Cross's minimum acceptable hemoglobin levels -- not to the point where I'm medically anemic, but still. I wonder if that might be a medication side-effect as well, and/or if it's contributing to my tiredness. I have been having some minor gastrointestinal issues that could mean I'm not getting as many nutrients from food as usual, in which case supplements might be worth looking into...
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
Dear Yuletide Writer,

Hi, and thank you in advance for writing a story for me! I'm pretty easy to please -- unless you write a context-free sex scene, I'll be thrilled just to get a fic in one of the fandoms I asked for. *grin* But I realize that's not terribly helpful, so here's the (very!) long version. (I am sorry for the tl;dr, but I like to talk about things I love and I figure more details are better than fewer.)

---------------

General Information )

Okay. On to specific fandoms.

---------------

The Lions of Al-Rassan )

Saga of the Skolian Empire )

Daredevil (Comics) )

The Dispossessed )

And that is that. Thank you again, and happy writing!
edenfalling: circular blue mosaic depicting stylized waves (ocean mosaic)
I had my one-month followup appointment this morning.

We are upping my Celexa dose from 20mg to 30mg per day, with another followup appointment in early November, to see if that helps get me past the motivation/executive dysfunction issues. I also have the phone number of a local mental health organization, which should either be able to provide some therapy or direct me to someone with openings if I want to troubleshoot my coping strategies.

And I got a flu shot while I was at the office, because my insurance covers it and why not. :)

I'll pick up the new prescription tomorrow when I do my grocery run. Hopefully this time there won't be as many (or even any?) weird side-effects, since it's just a dosage increase instead of throwing a completely new and weird chemical at my body.
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
I have my one-month followup appointment on Thursday, and... we will probably end up changing something, though I'm not sure what.

You see, since the weird side-effects leveled out, when things click, they are really clicking -- by which I mean, when I enjoy something it's in full technicolor rather than faded pastels -- and even when I'm floating the world is back in color rather than grayscale. But I am still drifting/floating and unable to get a stable grip on things for more than a day at a time. In fact, some of my depression-compensating behaviors have gotten worse, which I think is a reaction to knowing that when I get that connection/click to work, my ability to enjoy stuff is now working correctly, so it's like my pleasure-seeking drive is overcharged.

Unfortunately my compensating behaviors are mostly stuff like obsessive reading rather than dealing with necessary life tasks, and obsessive reading tends to screw up my sleep schedule which really does not help anything, so... something has to give.

*sigh*

Hopefully my nurse practitioner will have some advice.
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
Weird food issues seem to be gone for good. \o/

My sleep schedule hasn't settled, though, which is probably partly my fault for not setting a consistent bedtime and thus not having a roughly consistent getting-up time. Since I take the pills with breakfast, this also introduces several hours of variability into that schedule.

Anyway, I was crushingly exhausted in the afternoons on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, which resulted in two-hour naps on the latter two days. I was not similarly tired today, and I wonder if that's because I tend to drink tea (and thus get a dose of caffeine) much earlier in the day on work days. But I do the same on Saturdays -- albeit one hour later -- so... a mystery!

Additionally, last night I could not sleep for shit. I used to have mild insomnia as a child and teenager -- the kind where you just can't make your brain shut off no matter how tired you are -- but I had some meditative techniques that mostly worked and that had largely stopped being an issue by my early twenties anyway. (By which I mean, if I had told myself stories when falling asleep as a teen, I would have been up all night, whereas for the past fifteen years such storytelling has been my most reliable way to make myself fall asleep.) Monday night felt like I was eighteen again and could not fall into more than a thin and restless slumber for love or money. It was very frustrating, and I hope that does not repeat tonight.

My mood has been neutral to mildly positive, and while my motivation and time management continue to be iffy and liable to vanish without warning, the world does not feel crushing and impossible, so there's that. I feel like I will get my list of stuff done, even if I don't get to any given task on the first day I schedule for an attempt. That is a noticeable change. :)
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
1. Yuletide nominations close in 6 hours. Get yours in!

I nominated the following fandoms:

-The Lions of Al-Rassan by Guy Gavriel Kay - Ammar ibn Khairan, Jehane bet Ishak, Rodrigo Belmonte, Miranda Belmonte (this is my perennial request that never gets filled, dammit)

-Catherine Asaro's Saga of the Skolian Empire - Rocalisa Qox-Skolia, Jaibriol Qox III, Kelricson Garlin Valdoria Skolia, Dyhianna "Dehya" Selei (because I still want a story about Lisi)

-Daredevil (Comics) - Karen Page, Elektra Natchios, Kirsten McDuffie, Rebecca Blake (because even though I got two awesome stories about ladies in a previous Yuletide, I always want more)

I'm sure I will be able to find some other fandoms of my heart if I feel like making additional prompts, but those were the three I wanted to make absolutely sure were there, and contained the characters I want to request.

2. I have completed the hiring process for Not the IRS. Yay! (Also my base pay-rate is up from last year. Double yay!) Now I just need to complete my continuing education requirements, and take the test to jump up a level in the internal skill classification scheme. I mean, I have been doing level two and three returns since my first year -- they are not especially hard -- but the computer's auto-matching system doesn't suggest me as an option for anyone over level one, and also level two employees get a minor bonus per completed return in the totally-not-a-commission compensation scheme whereas level one employees get nothing. Hence test.

3. The rental company's renewal and switch period ended on Wednesday, and open rentals began Thursday morning. This week has been kind of crazy with tours -- I have not talked so much per day in months -- and we had people start lining up outside the office at 8:45am Wednesday morning. (We rent on a first-come first-serve basis, and lease commitments/payments must be completed in person.)

My paycheck this week was almost literally twice the usual, because I got a huge commission fee -- this happens when somebody I took on a tour rents an apartment I showed them, so opening day presumably went well. :D I also got an unspecified supplemental payment which may be a general "congrats on working here for a full year" bonus. Or maybe not; there was no explanation on the paystub. *hands* I was very surprised when I checked my bank balance this morning, but pleasantly so, and my budget will now be much less stressful over the next couple months. I might even be able to donate a little to charity!
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
Weird food issues have disappeared -- I am now experiencing hunger correctly, and food once again has flavor. Yay!

I did an experiment on Wednesday night to see how the medication interacted with alcohol. The answer is that it is pretty much as I remembered from my last stint on anti-depressants: namely, that I get really mellow-floaty-detached on remarkably little alcohol, and the next day I feel like I've missed an entire week of sleep. So I will parcel out my two remaining bottles of hard cider on carefully chosen occasions when I have no responsibilities the next day, and the bottle of rosé wine in my fridge will remain unopened until such time as I have guests over to help finish it. And I will just not buy alcohol for the next couple years. *wry*

I am unsure if there's been any particular effect on my mood. I mean, the world is currently in color instead of flat and gray and distant. But I'm not really motivated in any sense, I still have a persistent sense of isolation/futility, and I've let a bunch of planned tasks slide these past few days. So I'll keep an eye on that going forward.
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
Today was pretty good, actually!

I was tired, but I'm fairly sure that was because I got inadequate sleep rather than a medication side-effect. Food tasted like food again, and I was... not eager for lunch and dinner, precisely, but mildly interested in the idea of eating. I also worked up the spoons to cook the steak and noodles I'd been meaning to cook for a couple days.

Of course, last night after I made yesterday's post I had some nasty gastrointestinal distress, so I wouldn't say everything is perfect, but with a pinch of luck I am adjusting and things will get better from here on out. :)
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
Exhaustion returned with a vengeance, ugh. I had no motivation or energy through the majority of the day and eventually gave up in favor of a nap around 4pm. I slept for slightly over two hours and could happily have made it a four- or five-hour nap if that wouldn't have utterly mucked up my attempt to reestablish a regular sleep schedule.

I am still very unenthused about food. I had a weird moment around 6:30pm (shortly after getting up from the nap) where I felt like I might faint if I didn't eat something soon while simultaneously feeling vaguely nauseated at the thought of eating. I made myself eat some yogurt and felt better thereafter, to the point where I was able to talk myself into cooking the broccoli I'd had on hand for a couple days and eating an actual dinner. I mean, I didn't finish the dinner -- I put the leftovers away in the fridge for tomorrow -- but I got through about 2/3 of it and it had vegetables (broccoli), protein (steak), and starch (elbow noodles), so I count that a victory. It also didn't taste entirely of nothing, though lunch did taste horribly bland, so maybe there is hope that my taste buds and my brain will fix their currently glitched out connection?

Internal temperature regulation glitches continued, to my displeasure. They were worst between about 1pm and 7pm, but seem to have evened out for now.

I've also had a nagging not-quite-headache lurking around the edges of my skull all day, though that may be unrelated to the medication.
edenfalling: stylized black-and-white line art of a sunset over water (Default)
I'm still very "oh yeah, food is a thing, isn't it?" Like, I can feel the physical sensation of hunger to the point of mild discomfort and my mental/emotional reaction is just kind of... "well that sure is a thing I am feeling" without any particular urgency to do something about it.

Normally flavorful foods also continue to taste bland and unappetizing, which is deeply weird.

Still kind of tired, though today that may just be because I was up late finishing my NFE draft last night, blargh.

I've been having some minor internal temperature regulation glitches -- suddenly feeling too hot or too cold with no correlation to the actual outside temperature. That is a thing my body likes to do to me any time I'm feeling generally rundown, though, so I figure it's probably a general "yikes, something is changing! throw the temperature alarm???" response rather than a medication-specific reaction.

Less gas today, which is nice!

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Elizabeth Culmer

October 2017

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