wherein Liz discusses some family changes

[edenfalling]

I have been sitting on this for a couple weeks, but I have permission to talk about it now, so.

It turns out that I don't actually have a little sister Vicky. Instead, I have a little brother Nicholas! (Hence my request for ridiculous nickname assistance.)

Nick hasn't told our parents yet, but intends to do that sometime in February. He's also started on testosterone.

I think at this point I am mostly tangled up in how to refer to our childhood, which is something I need to hash out with him because all the options are messy and I want to make sure he gets to pick what type of messy he prefers. Like, do I talk about tiny!us as sisters, and then maybe run into explaining that no, I had a sister but now I have a brother, or do I talk about tiny!us as sister and brother and then run up against all the ways that social gender expectations make our childhood interactions read really weird if you're imagining a girl and her little brother instead of a girl and her little sister, or do I preface everything with an awkward construction like, "back when we thought Nick was my sister..."? *hands* In an ideal world, nobody would care, but there is no ideal world because people have conflicting needs and also language is inherently imprecise and it's very frustrating.

On a less fraught note, I also have a weird kneejerk "no, you need a second middle name!" reaction because Nick's new name no longer fits the rhythm of a silly personalized lullaby our dad made up for both of us. (It goes "[Name] Elizabeth Culmer [Name], it's time to go to sleep my dear," or conversely, "Victoria [Name] Culmer [Name], it's time to go to sleep my dear." And "Nicholas Culmer [Name] is missing some necessary beats.) This distressed me enough that it kept me awake one night until I dredged up another family middle name that fit the rhythm, making him "Nicholas [Name] Culmer [Name]" and then I fell asleep feeling that I'd resolved a huge problem. Which is ridiculous, because A) it's Nick's name; he can do what he wants with it, and B) Dad hasn't sung that lullaby to either of us for something like fifteen years now. But brains are weird.

Anyway, I really like Nick's new name, because it preserves the same etymological root (just Greek instead of Roman) and also a similar sound in nickname form. (Hopefully this will help prevent verbal slips!)

Also I really want to be able to give him a hug in person, but geography inconveniently exists and thus we are separated by about a thousand miles. :(

Comments

[alexseanchai]

How to talk about your mutual childhood is probably a question whose answer varies contextually.

I find it least fraught when my siblings refer to me as "sibling" regardless of time referent, which may be a thing works for you? But also the gender-neutral term is not merely appropriate-regardless in my case, it is actively-desired, where his actively-desired given at least some time referents is "brother". So.

[edenfalling]

Yeah, context is definitely relevant. And like I said, it's something I need to hash out with him because he's the one I'd be talking about so obviously his preference is the important one!

I think we mostly just need to schedule a phone call, because there's some stuff it's easier to deal with by voice instead of by texting or email. I can't type fast enough to say complicated things in real time.

[sholio]

Congrats to Nick for figuring it out! I hope things go well with your parents. <3

For talking about it, I think I'd just ask him what he prefers? Maybe he's fine with you talking about your childhood with your "sister" for purposes of shorthanding it to acquaintances, or maybe he'd rather be called your brother in all situations, or have you use "sibling". I think different people are gonna have different preferences for that kind of thing.

This came up recently with my husband's brother's spouse, who is non-binary, which doesn't really have an easy set of natural-sounding-in-English options for describing their relationships, especially to me. So I just asked them, and they said they're fine with being referred to as my sister-in-law or their kids' mom as an everyday talking-to-acquaintances type of thing; they just would prefer NB pronouns when referring to them directly. But obviously this will vary hugely by person; someone else might want something totally different.

[edenfalling]

Yeah, like I said it's something I need to hash out with him. It's simple enough to switch over now -- I have a brother, my brother Nick, my little brother, etc. -- but the past gets messy quickly and I want to make sure I'm using whatever language he's most comfortable with.

Judging by their track record, our parents will be kind of ??? about the whole thing, but will remain loving and supportive.

[the_rck]

I think you have to ask your brother how he'd prefer you talk about your childhood, but you're also going to have to use some judgment about it.

Just as a for example-- I wouldn't try to have any sort of conversational nuance with my SIL's FIL because he's 80 and conservative and very peripheral to my life. There isn't going to be a family occasion that includes him and my siblings. I would have the discussion with my SIL since she's entirely likely to interact with my siblings at some point in the future and is-- at least potentially-- less likely to be actively horrible about it.

Some people will wonder but not ask. My relatives on my father's side were very awkward, after my grandfather was diagnosed with the cancer that eventually killed him, when I had a male friend who was not my husband drive me up to visit. My cousins couldn't remember my husband's name or what he looked like and weren't sure if this was my husband or if I was introducing a new boyfriend and they'd missed the divorce or what. They never asked me or my friend because it would have been rude.

My grandparents relaxed considerably once they discovered that the guy played cards every week with my husband. They were much happier with the idea that one of my husband's poker buddies (it was actually the Babylon 5 CCG) was doing him a favor than that I had a male friend.

But they never asked. Just had me share the double bed with my grandmother while my friend and my grandfather slept in the twin beds in the guest room.

If my friend hadn't driven me up there, I wouldn't have seen my grandfather before he passed away.

I suspect that a lot of people at a further remove, socially, will hesitate to ask because they'll assume that you told them and they forgot. You might have more siblings than they remember. They might have forgotten the name or other details.

Kind of the same way that I generally sort of remember the names of pets belonging to people I know but might assume I'd forgotten if they used a different name in the context of not being able to leave food on the counter. I see my parents' dogs rarely enough that I don't remember, from occasion to occasion, what those dogs look like. I don't remember the names of my step-mother's children and grandchildren (none of whom I've ever met or talked to) because I don't see her or talk to her even once a year. I like her and am sure her kids and grandkids are lovely, but she could tell me she had 16 kids, and I wouldn't know different. I might wonder, but I'd never ever ask.

[edenfalling]

Yeah, that's a good point. There are people I know in some contexts (work-related, mostly) with whom I wouldn't want to bring up transitioning. But it's probably true that if I just start talking about my brother without explaining that context, they're likely to assume I simply haven't mentioned him before, or that they misremembered me saying I had a sister.

[branchandroot]

Congratulations to Nick!

[edenfalling]

I am very happy for him! :)

[redwolf]

Yay! for your brother!

[edenfalling]

I think he will be much happier in himself now. :)

[sheliak]

Congratulations to your brother!

And I hope that the two of you find a satisfactory way of referring to your childhood.

[edenfalling]

I will pass your congratulations on! :)

[isis]

Ditto to everything everyone else has said. I hope you all can come to some satisfactory nomenclature.

[edenfalling]

Thanks! I think we will -- it may just take a while to hash out what feels least-weird for him and how to handle various situations with the potential for social explosions.

[harmony_lover]

Congratulations to your brother! And kudos to you, for being such an awesome and supportive sister about it. These things can be hard all the way around, but it sounds like your brother will be much happier and he'll have a support system in you and your parents, which is great. And I do hope that you sort out the childhood issue; I'm sure that once you can have a phone call it will be easier to work that you. :)

[edenfalling]

Yeah, I think a phone call is best for resolving some of this stuff (at least for us, and in this particular case! sometimes text is better). The trick is finding a decent stretch of time when we're both available to talk and not worn down by other stuff going on in our lives. *wry*

[wistfulmemory]

Congrats on your brother. I do enjoy the name connections and the way they're similar but different enough to prevent slip ups with it. I agree with needing a second middle name. I like the lullaby. That's delightful.

[edenfalling]

Our dad is not a perfect parent -- I don't believe such a person exists -- but he was definitely good with lullabies. He was always the one who did the bedtime-story-and-sing-you-to-sleep portion of childcare, and his repertoire consisted of old Broadway show tunes with a few little originals tossed in. (He'd also do wake-up-in-the-morning songs when we were slow getting up on school days. *wry*)

[minutia_r]

Congratulations to your brother! That is a neat correspondence of new name and old name.

[edenfalling]

Isn't it just? I really admire how he made that fit together. :)

[rthstewart]

So, saw the reference to Nick in today or yesterday's post and wondered, hmmm, I wonder if that's Vicky (person formerly known as, that is) and came back a few days and here we are.

Congratulations most especially to Nick. The two of you are so fortunate to have each other's backs in this. Your family has always sounded so supportive of one another I hope that continues and carries on as your parents are brought into the news.

[edenfalling]

We are not a very physically demonstrative family, but I think we've always been pretty good about loving and supporting each other. (Occasionally this has led to screaming matches when support is offered in ways that the person who needs supporting is not able or willing to receive at that time, but we've all gotten better about listening and asking over the years, and learning how to set down an argument and go breathe until we're calm again. *wry*)