my habitual response to stress is to curl into a ball and sleep forever; this is counterproductive

[edenfalling]

I have been really, really tired these past several weeks. And it's not like I've been doing anything physically draining. It's entirely mental/emotional exhaustion, which then translates into physical exhaustion.

Yes, this is related to the smoke shop closing, and specifically to having to explain the details over and over and freaking over, and to having to endure people's rants about "evil capitalism" and all the other completely random monologues for which I have somehow become the designated receptacle.

I have hit the point where if I am not actually interested, I just pull out something to read and go "Uh-huh, mmm, uh-huh" into any pauses I happen to notice and don't bother with any further response, nor do I look anywhere even vaguely near the person who is talking at me. I am aware that this is incredibly rude. I have ceased to care. It's a defense mechanism to keep me from exploding and yelling at people who want to talk about the impending closure, and particularly the people who insist on telling me their memories immediately after refusing to write them down in our memory book. I just cannot cope with having to smile through the same reminder of my shitty situation multiple times an hour for the fourth week in a row.

...

Anyway, I haven't gotten anywhere on job searching because by the time I get home, I have no spoons left for anything that requires concentration and emotional fortitude. (This is also why I have been even slower than usual about responding to comments. Conversations, however virtual and time-delayed, eat spoons in a way that writing posts doesn't. I think it's the social interaction aspect. So I'm sorry about my temporary communication problems. I will answer you, I promise! Just... not right now.)

I did finally manage to cook something tonight. I have no idea how it will turn out, but basically I dumped one chopped onion, a handful or so of craisins, and four pork chops (cut in half) into my crockpot, and covered that with a "sauce" made of three cheap applesauce cups, 1.5-ish tsp salt, 1/2 tsp black pepper, some dried rosemary (3/4 tsp-ish?), and a dash each of cinnamon and ginger. It's cooking on low, and I expect it should be done around 5am.

So that's something.

I also have a dental checkup Tuesday morning, and I've made it to the first two session of my adult RE class that meets on Wednesday evenings, so I have not totally lost my grip on my life, but yeah. I am very, very tired, and I just want everything to STOP for a while.

Comments

[askerian]

*huggles tight* ;____;

[edenfalling]

*is hugged* Thank you.

[rthstewart]

I'm SO sorry and I hope you're able to find a few spoons soon. It's really hard to look for a new job while still in a current one, too. That's really normal and you are just really really stressed. HUGS And you are an awesome, awesome writer.

[edenfalling]

Thank you. *is hugged* I have decided that at least one thing I can do is keep a travel alarm beside my computer and PAY ATTENTION to it, so I can get to bed at a reasonable hour instead of zoning out online. That won't fix things, but it should at least prevent sleep deprivation from exacerbating the problem. *sigh*

[branchandroot]

*pets you* No need to respond to everything. And still feeding yourself is good work!

Maybe the degree-finishing is the best thing to concentrate on right now? It gets you through the stupid HR hoops so you can actually be /considered/ when you send in job apps. Student debt sucks, but it would give you a little breathing room, and IBR means they can't make you repay anything if you're not making enough at least, so that wouldn't be an instant worry. And it's just one set of annoying paperwork.

[edenfalling]

I know that logically there is no need to respond to every comment, but I set "respond once" as a basic minimum for myself many years ago, on the theory that social interaction is a necessity of life and I should by gum make an effort... and by this point it has become a slightly compulsive habit. Whoops!

I do think it is generally good for me to stay in the habit of responding to people, because if I don't explicitly make that a goal, it is FAR too easy for me to drift out of communication in any form with anyone. My natural inclination is toward hermitism. Unfortunately, being a hermit makes me miserable. *headdesk* So I keep trying to respond, and just cut myself a LOT of slack on my speed-of-response when I'm in a bad place or when the comment in question is complicated and requires significant thought/emotional investment.

It would be more efficient to concentrate on college first, but I am wary of trying to do college full-time without an accompanying paid job of some sort -- and for psychological reasons rather than financial ones. I find that without a job, I tend to get untethered from the everyday necessities and rhythms of life, so I want at least a part-time job to ground me.