December Talking Meme, Day 14: my thoughts on asexuality

[edenfalling]

December 14: Thoughts on aromanticism and/or asexuality either on a personal level or how it's treated in media? (for jen) [Tumblr crosspost]

To be honest, I don't especially care about how asexuality is treated in media. I mean, I hear it's often made into sort of a joke? Or that people act asexual but then, gasp, True Love overcomes that and they discover the joy of sex? The first is only annoying as long as there aren't also non-mocking portrayals of asexuality out there -- I mean, humans being humans, we mock everyone for everything, and if every other sexuality is fair game... hey. Equal opportunity mocking! The second is only annoying, again, if there are no countervailing portrayals, because that does sometimes happen. People are weird and complicated and sexuality is full of "I am 98% this way, but somehow the 2% that doesn't fit that category ended up being the relevant part, because of reasons" scenarios.

So basically the solution is to have more visible asexuality. Actually, I think this is the solution to most representation issues. Have more people of every type on-page or on-screen so people can be people rather than serving as symbols and mouthpieces for their various categories.

As for my asexuality and aromanticism in real life, again, it's not something I pay lots of attention to. I was very pleased to discover that there was a word and category that made more sense to me than any other sexual orientation category, but I'm not into activism or identity-based groups, so that's largely irrelevant to my everyday life. I'd say my asexuality is most evident as mild annoyance at sex scenes in long, plotty stories, or as difficulty finding the motivation to write a sex scene in one of my own stories, or as wondering if someone was trying to flirt with me, because how does anyone ever recognize flirting anyway? It's like there's a radio station I am not tuned in to receive and I always feel awkward about maybe accidentally giving people the impression I might be interested in anything other than casual acquaintanceship.

I mean, the obvious consequence is that I am not in a romantic or sexual relationship and have no interest in looking for one. But I think that is at least as much attributable to my general introversion and asociality as anything specifically to do with sex and/or romantic love. I just kind of... don't do people, very much? How much of that is down to asexuality would be hard to determine.

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December Talking Meme: All Days

Comments

[transposable_element]

I would like to see more asexuality or romanticism in fiction, not necessarily as a personal characteristic but as a narrative one. That is, I think sex/romance plots and subplots have become more and more ubiquitous, and all too often with the message that romance/love/sex will solve all of your problems, or that you will find true forever love at 16 (or 14, or 13) -- both very dangerous messages, IMO.

[edenfalling]

I strongly dislike love-as-solution plots and themes. They put impossible expectations on romantic partners, and when reality inevitably ensues, the relationships in question tend to break. (I also dislike love-as-reward, both because that trope also downplays the way that love and relationships take WORK, and because it tends to cast female characters as cardboard trophies.) So yeah, I am all for stories that just ignore sex and romance as irrelevant to their plots.

[rthstewart.livejournal.com]

Consider this yet one more thing that I was wretchedly ignorant of until re-entering fandom in 2009. Since that time I have become SO ANNOYED with the media portrayals that sexualize every character, eventually. It's like that -- you're only gay because you've not had great sex with someone of the opposite sex. Errr, no. I'm very happy to assume that some characters, like some people, just aren't wired that way and I really appreciate the more sensitive/realistic portrayals that reflect the full gamut of human experience.

[edenfalling]

The weird thing about writing asexual characters is that the vast majority of the time, it is completely irrelevant to the story. Unless you're specifically writing about romance and/or sex. Like, I happen to think Jadis is asexual. I have never and will never write her experiencing sexual desire or having sex. But I doubt anyone would pick up on that from my work, because I don't put her into stories where that would ever come up as an issue.

This may be one reason I like action/adventure stories so much, come to think of it. Even if they have a romance subplot, it's never the point of the story. (I am less sure why I enjoy genre romances. I think it's a combination of a guaranteed happy ending and a focus on interpersonal connections and negotiating how to live with another human being -- I always like romances much more when there's a decent cast of supporting characters and both leads have jobs and hobbies and things that don't get forgotten when they start falling in love.)

[cat-i-th-adage.livejournal.com]

For me, it's... not that I don't have sexy thoughts, but the volume is turned down really low, and I do love my personal space. So.

And yeah, fandom is that space where I realised there's a word for that.

(While much of my life is pretty crappy, I am blessed with a close friend with whom I can do a lot of life-sharing - eating together, creative partnerships, emotional support - without being pestered for levels of physical contact with which I am uncomfortable. From some of the stories I read, I am so, so lucky there.)

[edenfalling]

I have sexy thoughts on occasion, but only in the sense of "that person is hot" rather than "I want to have sex with that person." More an aesthetic appreciation than an actionable desire. And as you say, they're at very low volume -- easy to set aside if I don't want to bother paying attention.

I am glad you have such a close friend!