the deep moans round with many voices

I got an email from my parents this morning:

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Pipe replacement & living room hole in wall: A Discovery!

So with a small leak in a basement pipe it turned out not to be easy to remove and replace it without making a foot wide hole in the living room wall behind the white bookcase (also one in your bedroom closet, but smaller). This meant removing the books and case. Lo and behold, a ring with a scrolled message turned up behind some books. It's a big amethyst sort of ring with a square of paper:

"Oh, Person of great stature, thee hath found thee mystical amber ring. Thou is heir to the throne of thee jewls Unlock thee secret and you shall rule all. Watch for the tigers eye."

Vicky thought it a hoot, but I suspect it must be your doing.

Love, Mom

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After giggling extensively to myself over tiny!Liz's ideas of how to be Cool and Mysterious, I wrote back:

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I have no memory whatsoever of that note or ring, but I did go through a phase of designing fantasy epics around sets of gemstones (which was kind of hilarious since I knew NOTHING about gemstones) so yeah, probably me. I also recall being fascinated by that bookcase as a kid -- I think because it had a cutout for an extension cord? -- so it's not terribly surprising that I'd use it as a hiding place.

I clearly had no idea how to do archaic grammar, though. Yowch. (Also amethyst and amber are not remotely the same color or structure, but that bugs me less than the grammar fail.)

Can you bring the ring and paper to Ithaca in July?

Love, Liz

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I am not kidding about the jewelry-based fantasy epics, by the way. The one I remember best was about the... uh... Songstones of Myrr, I think? Anyway, Mom had a necklace made of about twelve green glass 'stones,' each set in a silver frame. There were five small ones on each side, and then a big stone with a dangling teardrop-shaped pendant in the middle. The big stone's frame looked an awful lot like a harp, which is where I got the 'songstone' idea. The notion was that the necklace was stolen and the stones separated, and a different fantasy species had to go on a quest to get each one back. So there was a stone for the unicorns, and one for selkies, and one for gryffins, and one for elves, and one for harpies, and so on. The last was for humans, of course, and when the necklace was brought back together it would... do something big and important; the details escape me, going on thirty years later.

I never did write any of those jewelry epics, but it's kind of fun to look back and wonder what might have been. :)

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ETA: Mom wrote back:

We can bring it - but you'll have to tell us where to find that tiger's eye it says we have to watch for...

:DDDD

Ahaha, I just got one of those fake-IRS scam phone calls -- you know, the ones with the pre-recorded voice full of ~ominous pauses~ that says something to the effect of, "Hello. We have been trying to reach you. This is your last notice. The reason we have been trying to reach you. Is that the IRS is filing a lawsuit against you," blah blah blah, and then presumably goes on to say that your only hope is to immediately send money by X method to Y account, but I hung up before the robo-voice could reach that point because A) that is not how the IRS does stuff -- they send you physical mail and they always use your actual name, among other things -- and B) I have heard of this scam, and though wildly amused to have someone try it on me, was not feeling quite that indulgent.

This particular scammer's number, incidentally, was 360-780-3810. Is there a procedure for reporting such calls?

...

I am still annoyed that the automatic no-call list for cell phones is no longer a thing.

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ETA: I reported the call to the FTC, since the IRS didn't seem to have a procedure for robo-calls rather than actual humans impersonating IRS agents. It turns out that I did put my phone on the Do Not Call registry all the way back in 2006, but I guess the FTC has been very swamped this year, since I have received more junk calls in 2015 than in all previous years put together. (I am not including charities, etc., since the registry explicitly does not cover them. But like, NJ-based carpet cleaners? That is clearly something that should have been blocked, and wasn't. I think I will make a point of reporting such things from now on.)

Tonight's fortune cookie: You are the crispy noodle in the vegetarian salad of life.

...

...

*blink*

Okay, apparently I have inadvertently become pasta. Good to know.

I think that either my local Chinese takeout place has switched to a new fortune cookie provider, or the cookie provider has switched up its choose-a-saying formula, because I very rarely receive actual fortunes anymore, and even more rarely receive complete WTF non-sequiturs. It's all aphorisms these days.

Which is not to say that the humor has departed. It has merely shifted form, and now works best when read in compilation. To wit:


On Choosing a Path in Life

1. Most people, once they graduate from the School of Hard Knocks, automatically enroll.
2. Let your intentions create your methods and not the other way around.
3. It's time to get moving. Your spirits will lift accordingly.
4. Many a false step is made by standing still.
5. Life enrich from seeking, not from sitting.
6. Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
7. Pick a path with heart.


On Living Mindfully

1. Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
2. Moderate your appetite so that with a little you may be content.
3. If the world seems cold, kindle a fire to warm it.
4. It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.
5. To conquer your flaws, you must first accept them.
6. It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.
7. There are coincidences.


Advice we should treasure and live by. *nods solemnly*

"Some men dream of fortunes; others dream of cookies."
---my fortune cookie last night


Pffff. :-)