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edenfallingSummary: In which Thorn Lovelace calls her older sister for romantic advice, because she's never needed to know how to date anyone before and while family may mock you mercilessly, a good sister will always have your back.
Note: This is a bit of exploratory noodling for an urban fantasy/paranormal romance story I sort of accidentally invented while writing Homestuck AU fic, because I needed a series for Rose Lalonde to have written before her Complacency of the Learned series. It's also a![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
ladiesbingo fill for the square: siblings. (1,450 words)
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No Friend Like a Sister
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"Heyyyy, Root-rot," Thorn drawled as her sister accepted the call. "Question for you."
"Hello to you too. I'm doing fine, thanks for asking. How are you?" Root said, her voice echoing up from where Thorn's phone lay beside her stove, in the slightly-flat tone of a speakerphone connection.
Thorn rolled her eyes as she opened her refrigerator and started poking around for dinner options. "Knock it off, we just talked two days ago. If you had any news, you would've called me. But listen: I need advice, so it's time for the romance guru to earn her title."
Root squeaked. Then she cleared her throat and pretended that hadn't happened. "Ooooh! Has my ittiest bittiest ickle-prickle little sister finally met someone she thinks might be worth her time? Be still my heart!"
"Root."
"Pffft, no, I'm going to milk this for weeks. No, months. Maybe years, depending on if this lasts. Seriously, I am in shock over here. This is my shocked voice. And you can't see it, but I'm wearing my shocked face. My little porcupine is in love at longest last, and I am here to help with all your dumbass questions. So. Shoot."
"You suck and I hate you," Thorn said as she made a dubious face at a container of leftover chili. On the one hand, no new cooking required. On the other, she'd been eating chili all week and her taste buds might revolt if she kept going.
"You love me and you know it," Root said serenely. "Now spill. Who's this person, how'd you meet them, do they like you back, and what's your plan going forward?"
Thorn set the chili aside and opened her vegetable drawers. Hmm. Still a few mushrooms left, and she ought to do something with the last of the green beans before they got all weird and gross. If she chucked in some onion and quick-thawed some chicken from the freezer, that wouldn't be a terrible stir-fry sort of thing. Yeah, that would work.
"Um. Her name's Sephy -- short for Persephone, I think? I told you about my new favorite coffee shop, right? The little one around the corner from the courthouse, with strangely good wi-fi and possibly illegal chocolate cherry muffins?"
"Mmm-hmm," Root said.
"So, that's just the ground floor of the building. The second floor is a law practice, and Sephy's a paralegal up there. Except I think she used to work as a barista while she was getting her degree, so she's down in the coffee shop a lot and she fills in now and then, and she helped me clean up when I spilled coffee on my laptop. And she's tall, and she has the best earrings and big stompy combat boots, and she wears her hair in a crew cut but it looks good on her somehow? And she could bend me in half without even trying and I want to kidnap her and tie her up in my room and spoil her until she smiles because she never smiles but she laughed at one of my stupid jokes this afternoon and I about died, she was so beautiful."
Thorn realized Root was giggling and snapped her mouth shut. "Fuck. Sorry. I'm babbling."
"Oh my god, no, don't be embarrassed! That is the cutest thing I've heard in forever. You have a crush!"
"I'm pretty sure crushes don't involve wanting to undress someone with your teeth," Thorn grumbled. She thumped the Ziploc bag of chicken thighs against the counter until two snapped free from the frozen mass. Then she dumped them into a bowl and shoved it in the microwave to thaw.
"Eh, maybe not baby crushes, like when you're twelve," Root said. "Or squishes, where you just want to cuddle someone a lot. But sex crushes are totally a thing."
"Ugh. It's demeaning. I feel all weird lusting over her like she's... I dunno, who's sexy in Hollywood these days?"
Root laughed harder.
"Ugh." Thorn yanked her wok off its shelf and slammed the cupboard door. "Celebrities aren't real people, you know that. They're fantasy objects. Real people are friends and maybe partners. The categories aren't supposed to mix. That just makes everything awkward, you know? Like, I want to get to know Sephy as a person but now talking to her is weird and I keep double-guessing myself."
"Thorn, my darling sister, my little cholla cactus, my precious prickle baby. Welcome to life as a person with an active sex drive directed toward other people. Everyone is awkward. I guarantee you there is nothing incompatible with being sexually attracted to this Sephy and also wanting to get to know her as a friend. That's how most people define dating."
"Most people are stupid," Thorn said. She slammed her cutting board onto the counter and started to peel an onion.
"Well, yeah. Most of everything is stupid," Root agreed. "But denying empirical evidence is bad science, so. You like this Sephy. You want to kiss her and fuck her and maybe even get kinky. The next question is whether she's on board with any of that."
Thorn set the onion down and leaned her head against the refrigerator door. "I don't know. And I have no idea how to figure out the answer. I've never done this before!"
Root made a considering noise. "Well, the simplest way is to ask."
Thorn blinked. "Really?"
"I mean, most people don't, because like you said, most people are stupid, and like I said, sexual attraction is awkward. But it's the best way to get data in a reasonable timeframe and without all kinds of confounding variables."
"Sometimes it's embarrassingly obvious we were raised by scientists," Thorn said. The microwave beeped and she pulled out the chicken. It felt a bit rubbery when she prodded it with one finger, but that would cook out. Probably.
"There are worse fates," Root said breezily. "Anyway, the next time you see her -- or no, hang on. The next time you see her when she's not working at the coffee shop, because asking people out when they're doing customer service and can't tell you to fuck off is a creepy asshole move, tell her you think she's gorgeous and cool and smart, and you'd like to go on a date to see if you click with each other. If she says yes, score! If she says no, be polite and back off. You can lust after her on your own time, but don't, you know, stare with your mouth open and your fingers down your pants or anything gross like that."
"Ew."
"Exactly. We're trying to avoid ew."
"Right. So, if she says yes, what kind of date is non-creepy and also non-boring? I mean, I think meeting for coffee is popular?" Thorn caught herself gesturing with the knife instead of slicing chicken, and made a face at herself. "But going to a different coffee shop would be weird. And there's no chance to talk at a movie, but dinner is kind of a lot for a first run-through, and hiking's weird because you're all alone in the middle of nowhere without a good escape route..."
"Take her to that botanical garden you're always going on about," Root said. "It's a good way to talk without being too isolated and there's a clear end point once you get through all the little sub-gardens, but you can extend it pretty easily by getting a drink or ice cream or something afterwards if you both want to keep going. Oh, and go in separate cars so you can each bail if it gets weird."
"Hmm," Thorn said as she mixed balsamic vinegar, soy sauce, and cumin into a shallow bowl. "What if she hates gardens?"
"Try a museum. You've got a couple-three in the area, right?"
Thorn dumped the chicken cubes into the sauce mix and started mushing them around. "Yeah. And a few more if you're willing to drive more than half an hour."
"There you go. Ask her out and tell me all about it ASAP. Also, what the hell are you doing that's been making all those weird noises in the background?"
Thorn turned on the stove burner; the electric starter clicked rapid-fire until the gas whooshed into bright blue flames. "Making dinner."
"Gross. You should live on takeout like me -- it's a much more sensible allocation of resources," Root said.
"Tell that to Dad, I dare you."
"What do you think I am, crazy? Anyway, on that note Simon's almost home and I've got to go order some Thai. Good luck with your terrifying coffee shop Amazon."
"Thanks, Root-rot."
"Love you too, Porcupine."
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End of Ficlet
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I wrote the above ficlet at work this afternoon and made a few edits tonight after my church Board of Trustees meeting. It's not remotely what I intended to do with my day, but what the hell, I'll take it! :)
Note: This is a bit of exploratory noodling for an urban fantasy/paranormal romance story I sort of accidentally invented while writing Homestuck AU fic, because I needed a series for Rose Lalonde to have written before her Complacency of the Learned series. It's also a
ladiesbingo fill for the square: siblings. (1,450 words)---------------------------------------------
No Friend Like a Sister
---------------------------------------------
"Heyyyy, Root-rot," Thorn drawled as her sister accepted the call. "Question for you."
"Hello to you too. I'm doing fine, thanks for asking. How are you?" Root said, her voice echoing up from where Thorn's phone lay beside her stove, in the slightly-flat tone of a speakerphone connection.
Thorn rolled her eyes as she opened her refrigerator and started poking around for dinner options. "Knock it off, we just talked two days ago. If you had any news, you would've called me. But listen: I need advice, so it's time for the romance guru to earn her title."
Root squeaked. Then she cleared her throat and pretended that hadn't happened. "Ooooh! Has my ittiest bittiest ickle-prickle little sister finally met someone she thinks might be worth her time? Be still my heart!"
"Root."
"Pffft, no, I'm going to milk this for weeks. No, months. Maybe years, depending on if this lasts. Seriously, I am in shock over here. This is my shocked voice. And you can't see it, but I'm wearing my shocked face. My little porcupine is in love at longest last, and I am here to help with all your dumbass questions. So. Shoot."
"You suck and I hate you," Thorn said as she made a dubious face at a container of leftover chili. On the one hand, no new cooking required. On the other, she'd been eating chili all week and her taste buds might revolt if she kept going.
"You love me and you know it," Root said serenely. "Now spill. Who's this person, how'd you meet them, do they like you back, and what's your plan going forward?"
Thorn set the chili aside and opened her vegetable drawers. Hmm. Still a few mushrooms left, and she ought to do something with the last of the green beans before they got all weird and gross. If she chucked in some onion and quick-thawed some chicken from the freezer, that wouldn't be a terrible stir-fry sort of thing. Yeah, that would work.
"Um. Her name's Sephy -- short for Persephone, I think? I told you about my new favorite coffee shop, right? The little one around the corner from the courthouse, with strangely good wi-fi and possibly illegal chocolate cherry muffins?"
"Mmm-hmm," Root said.
"So, that's just the ground floor of the building. The second floor is a law practice, and Sephy's a paralegal up there. Except I think she used to work as a barista while she was getting her degree, so she's down in the coffee shop a lot and she fills in now and then, and she helped me clean up when I spilled coffee on my laptop. And she's tall, and she has the best earrings and big stompy combat boots, and she wears her hair in a crew cut but it looks good on her somehow? And she could bend me in half without even trying and I want to kidnap her and tie her up in my room and spoil her until she smiles because she never smiles but she laughed at one of my stupid jokes this afternoon and I about died, she was so beautiful."
Thorn realized Root was giggling and snapped her mouth shut. "Fuck. Sorry. I'm babbling."
"Oh my god, no, don't be embarrassed! That is the cutest thing I've heard in forever. You have a crush!"
"I'm pretty sure crushes don't involve wanting to undress someone with your teeth," Thorn grumbled. She thumped the Ziploc bag of chicken thighs against the counter until two snapped free from the frozen mass. Then she dumped them into a bowl and shoved it in the microwave to thaw.
"Eh, maybe not baby crushes, like when you're twelve," Root said. "Or squishes, where you just want to cuddle someone a lot. But sex crushes are totally a thing."
"Ugh. It's demeaning. I feel all weird lusting over her like she's... I dunno, who's sexy in Hollywood these days?"
Root laughed harder.
"Ugh." Thorn yanked her wok off its shelf and slammed the cupboard door. "Celebrities aren't real people, you know that. They're fantasy objects. Real people are friends and maybe partners. The categories aren't supposed to mix. That just makes everything awkward, you know? Like, I want to get to know Sephy as a person but now talking to her is weird and I keep double-guessing myself."
"Thorn, my darling sister, my little cholla cactus, my precious prickle baby. Welcome to life as a person with an active sex drive directed toward other people. Everyone is awkward. I guarantee you there is nothing incompatible with being sexually attracted to this Sephy and also wanting to get to know her as a friend. That's how most people define dating."
"Most people are stupid," Thorn said. She slammed her cutting board onto the counter and started to peel an onion.
"Well, yeah. Most of everything is stupid," Root agreed. "But denying empirical evidence is bad science, so. You like this Sephy. You want to kiss her and fuck her and maybe even get kinky. The next question is whether she's on board with any of that."
Thorn set the onion down and leaned her head against the refrigerator door. "I don't know. And I have no idea how to figure out the answer. I've never done this before!"
Root made a considering noise. "Well, the simplest way is to ask."
Thorn blinked. "Really?"
"I mean, most people don't, because like you said, most people are stupid, and like I said, sexual attraction is awkward. But it's the best way to get data in a reasonable timeframe and without all kinds of confounding variables."
"Sometimes it's embarrassingly obvious we were raised by scientists," Thorn said. The microwave beeped and she pulled out the chicken. It felt a bit rubbery when she prodded it with one finger, but that would cook out. Probably.
"There are worse fates," Root said breezily. "Anyway, the next time you see her -- or no, hang on. The next time you see her when she's not working at the coffee shop, because asking people out when they're doing customer service and can't tell you to fuck off is a creepy asshole move, tell her you think she's gorgeous and cool and smart, and you'd like to go on a date to see if you click with each other. If she says yes, score! If she says no, be polite and back off. You can lust after her on your own time, but don't, you know, stare with your mouth open and your fingers down your pants or anything gross like that."
"Ew."
"Exactly. We're trying to avoid ew."
"Right. So, if she says yes, what kind of date is non-creepy and also non-boring? I mean, I think meeting for coffee is popular?" Thorn caught herself gesturing with the knife instead of slicing chicken, and made a face at herself. "But going to a different coffee shop would be weird. And there's no chance to talk at a movie, but dinner is kind of a lot for a first run-through, and hiking's weird because you're all alone in the middle of nowhere without a good escape route..."
"Take her to that botanical garden you're always going on about," Root said. "It's a good way to talk without being too isolated and there's a clear end point once you get through all the little sub-gardens, but you can extend it pretty easily by getting a drink or ice cream or something afterwards if you both want to keep going. Oh, and go in separate cars so you can each bail if it gets weird."
"Hmm," Thorn said as she mixed balsamic vinegar, soy sauce, and cumin into a shallow bowl. "What if she hates gardens?"
"Try a museum. You've got a couple-three in the area, right?"
Thorn dumped the chicken cubes into the sauce mix and started mushing them around. "Yeah. And a few more if you're willing to drive more than half an hour."
"There you go. Ask her out and tell me all about it ASAP. Also, what the hell are you doing that's been making all those weird noises in the background?"
Thorn turned on the stove burner; the electric starter clicked rapid-fire until the gas whooshed into bright blue flames. "Making dinner."
"Gross. You should live on takeout like me -- it's a much more sensible allocation of resources," Root said.
"Tell that to Dad, I dare you."
"What do you think I am, crazy? Anyway, on that note Simon's almost home and I've got to go order some Thai. Good luck with your terrifying coffee shop Amazon."
"Thanks, Root-rot."
"Love you too, Porcupine."
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End of Ficlet
---------------------------------------------
I wrote the above ficlet at work this afternoon and made a few edits tonight after my church Board of Trustees meeting. It's not remotely what I intended to do with my day, but what the hell, I'll take it! :)
