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edenfallingI have concluded that on very rare occasions, it is okay to get drunk. These occasions are either at celebratory family gatherings when I don't have to drive, or when I am at home on my own (and therefore also do not have to drive). In both cases this is mostly a tension release mechanism, since I am not always great at that under normal circumstances, and it's nice to sort of let down one's walls in environments where one knows there will not be terrible consequences.
(Note: do not do this if your family is prone to lasting arguments, etc. My family occasionally gets into shouting matches, but that's only on a tactical level, never a strategic level and certainly not a grand policy level, so it's okay. Also we are good at saying sorry and reassuring each other we love each other and that while we may not always approve of each others' actions (to wit, when I used to hit people as a child, or some of my more self-destructive moves before I got a handle on battling my depression), we always love each other as people and want the best for one another. And Dad is not great at emotions all the time, but Nick and I know this and are okay running occasional interference when he and Mom snipe at each other, and also telling him to shut up, we're done with Topic X for the moment and can revisit it later when the participants are no longer at the edge of an emotional precipice. (He has an annoying habit of denying that he's upset and shouting when he is, clearly and objectively speaking, upset and shouting. We have been known to mock him for this after the fact.) We have also mostly managed the art of telling Mom that she's doing the guilt trip thing and please drop it, we'll come back to this later. These are important skills for successfully navigating family dynamics!)
I mention this because I decided to get drunk tonight (two hard ciders and two Black Russians will do the trick fairly well, though admittedly I spaced them out over six hours so... you know, without blood alcohol level analysis it is very tricky to experientially pinpoint the line between tipsy and full-on drunk? but anyway, I am plotched by any definition) because the last several months have been existentially stressful in a way where it's very hard for me to do anything that feels very meaningful in the moment (...meaningful in the sense of addressing my sources of external stress, that is, which are A) Covid 19, B) racism in America, and C) the state of the Ithaca housing market AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA) and I needed to let go and unwind a bit of the knotted skein of tension in my chest before my parents arrive Wednesday afternoon and I have to be social and, you know, not a giant mess of a human being.
It's different putting on my work face, you know? That's a customer service thing and nobody expects you to be completely genuine. Everybody knows that's a mask to some degree.
But family expect to see you as you are, and I would like to be able to coherently express both "I am mostly okay" and "I am very stressed but it's free-floating ambient stress without a specific trigger point to address and fix, so it's manifesting weirdly and in ways I am not always well-equipped to handle" and also "I think I may need some external motivation and structure, but I am unsure whether I can usefully receive that from you or whether that will trigger some of my old maladaptive reactions and just make everything worse; I must talk to Nick first and see if he's willing to poke me into doing Assorted Work-Related Tasks before I risk asking you, my parents, to poke me."
...
I should probably go to bed.
I think I am going to have very odd dreams tonight.
(Note: do not do this if your family is prone to lasting arguments, etc. My family occasionally gets into shouting matches, but that's only on a tactical level, never a strategic level and certainly not a grand policy level, so it's okay. Also we are good at saying sorry and reassuring each other we love each other and that while we may not always approve of each others' actions (to wit, when I used to hit people as a child, or some of my more self-destructive moves before I got a handle on battling my depression), we always love each other as people and want the best for one another. And Dad is not great at emotions all the time, but Nick and I know this and are okay running occasional interference when he and Mom snipe at each other, and also telling him to shut up, we're done with Topic X for the moment and can revisit it later when the participants are no longer at the edge of an emotional precipice. (He has an annoying habit of denying that he's upset and shouting when he is, clearly and objectively speaking, upset and shouting. We have been known to mock him for this after the fact.) We have also mostly managed the art of telling Mom that she's doing the guilt trip thing and please drop it, we'll come back to this later. These are important skills for successfully navigating family dynamics!)
I mention this because I decided to get drunk tonight (two hard ciders and two Black Russians will do the trick fairly well, though admittedly I spaced them out over six hours so... you know, without blood alcohol level analysis it is very tricky to experientially pinpoint the line between tipsy and full-on drunk? but anyway, I am plotched by any definition) because the last several months have been existentially stressful in a way where it's very hard for me to do anything that feels very meaningful in the moment (...meaningful in the sense of addressing my sources of external stress, that is, which are A) Covid 19, B) racism in America, and C) the state of the Ithaca housing market AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA) and I needed to let go and unwind a bit of the knotted skein of tension in my chest before my parents arrive Wednesday afternoon and I have to be social and, you know, not a giant mess of a human being.
It's different putting on my work face, you know? That's a customer service thing and nobody expects you to be completely genuine. Everybody knows that's a mask to some degree.
But family expect to see you as you are, and I would like to be able to coherently express both "I am mostly okay" and "I am very stressed but it's free-floating ambient stress without a specific trigger point to address and fix, so it's manifesting weirdly and in ways I am not always well-equipped to handle" and also "I think I may need some external motivation and structure, but I am unsure whether I can usefully receive that from you or whether that will trigger some of my old maladaptive reactions and just make everything worse; I must talk to Nick first and see if he's willing to poke me into doing Assorted Work-Related Tasks before I risk asking you, my parents, to poke me."
...
I should probably go to bed.
I think I am going to have very odd dreams tonight.
