Feb. 18th, 2004

edenfalling: circular blue mosaic depicting stylized waves (ocean mosaic)
So I suffer from periodic depression, right? And I also have some serious negative behavior patterns and... oh, call them self-esteem issues. This resulted in me taking a year of medical leave from college, and I'm on anti-depressants. But I still have really bad days and weeks sometimes, I have extreme motivation and avoidance issues, and I get overly stressed out about lots of things.

Anyway, I finally lost it last night and wrote to my parents, telling them -- and I'd never felt able to tell them this before -- that the way they always try to help me actually leaves me feeling worse than before. Because they don't just listen and be there for me. They have to try solving my problems for me, which makes me feel about three years old, and is totally NOT helpful in helping me learn to manage my own life. For god's sake, I'm 22 years old and they're still jumping all over me and smothering me because "they know best."

Gah. I'm getting worked up again just thinking about this.

So anyway, I wrote to them. It was a long, sort of bitter/angry letter, but this is one pertinent bit:

I don't like to tell you things because you don't listen. Mom, you jump immediately to what you can do to fix the problem, and how you're afraid this will affect my future, which makes me feel useless and pathetic. Dad immediately outlines logical plans, which makes me feel overly emotional and stupid.

So what does my Dad write back to me? This:

Dear Elizabeth, the more you "talk" in little bits, particularly by sending frequent e-mail responding to at least one point or whatever, instead of avoiding communication, the less trying it will be for you.

And the more you make lists and try to do the little things as soon as you can instead of letting them slide, the less the compelling feeling on your part to perfect everything before talking, and the less demanding the "vibes" you'll get.

Help yourself, please. Make knocking something off a list and "saying" something, even little things, to Lessie or me part of that routine of dragging through even the worst days, like getting up and eating a meal and taking a shower.

Love you, always,
Dad


Didn't I just tell him that his automatic response -- in which he "outlines logical plans" that make me feel "overly emotional and stupid" -- doesn't work? Yes I did. Did he listen? Doesn't look like it from my end!

Sometimes I really hate my life.

This was so much easier when I was 5 and they dealt with problems by hugging me and saying that they always loved me but they just didn't always love what I did. Now I get "helpful" plans and advice, but no hugs. And the hugs were the part that really worked, you know? Not the advice.

Oh, screw it. I'm just working myself back into a spiral again, and I don't like where those take me. Being wrapped up and isolated in gray fog is NOT a happy state of mind. Been there, done that, am NEVER going back again if I have anything to say about it!

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Elizabeth Culmer

July 2025

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