on speaking out when things are wrong

Let me start by saying that this is a very self-centered post and is not in any way intended to step on anyone's foot nor to imply that my troubles are more important than anyone else's. With that said:

Last week, I was forced to overhear a conversation between my coworker BW and a regular customer I call Tubercular Baby Fart (because of a misogynistic comment he made about Hillary Clinton during the 2008 Democratic primary election season). TBF and BW, who are both older white men, were talking about California back in the 60s and 70s, and TBF told a story about Rod Serling, an anti-war gathering, and a young woman. I will attempt to reproduce it, though this is, of course, pretty much all paraphrased by this point.

TBF: ...and Rod Serling gets up on stage and gives a brilliant speech about the war and how it needs to stop. And then, this person whom I like to call 'The Idiot' -- a young woman, wearing all white, white miniskirt, skimpy white shirt, white boots, with long blonde hair--

BW: Oh, yes.

TBF: This idiot raises her hand and says that maybe we should think about supporting the troops, because her boyfriend is over in Vietnam. *grins around his pipe* And Rod Serling looks down at her from the stage and says, "Young lady, if you'd rather have your boyfriend a thousand miles away, in danger, instead of in the sack with you, you're about the stupidest person I've ever met." *laughs* And she puts her hands over her face and runs out of the room.

BW: *laughs* Rod Serling. Great guy.

And I was seething to myself, because my god, that's not a funny story! That's Rod Serling being an insensitive asshole and failing to realize that the young woman might have had a point that she was simply failing to express clearly (i.e., opposing the war does not mean opposing the soldiers fighting it, and maybe there's a way to both end the war and support the troops), and then it's two men laughing about a woman's public pain and humiliation. But I didn't say anything at the time, though I bitched to MS as soon as BW had gone out back.

She asked if I was surprised at BW's attitude. (Not TBF's attitude. That's about par for the course from him.) "Not as much as I wish I were," I said.

Which is true. I wish I were more surprised, but to be honest, I expect that sort of thing from men, and especially from men of my parents' generation or older.

But I am ashamed that I didn't say anything to BW directly. Part of that is because I didn't want to cause a scene while we had a line of customers waiting at the counter. Part of that is because I don't like confrontations with customers in general; they tend to leave me a bit shaky and can easily go overboard. (Customers do NOT like to be corrected or challenged by clerks, I think because they see it as upsetting the power dynamics of the brief interaction: customers are right, while clerks are only there to serve them.) But the biggest part is that I have to work with BW and I remember what it was like trying to get along at work while MS and ET were having a massive argument and refusing to speak to each other or work together (which was more his fault than hers, especially the final triggering incident, but neither was innocent).

I don't want to have arguments with my coworkers. I don't want BW to huff at me and say, "Well, obviously you don't get it; you're being oversensitive; can't you understand that supporting the Vietnam War was reprehensible and anyone who did deserved whatever she got; but it was funny; I don't see why you're upset; that's not misogyny, let me tell you what misogyny was really like back then," and so on, because I really do not think he'd understand why I was hurt and upset and offended, and he's the sort of person who has to be right and needs to explain to you why he's right. (I know, because I am also that sort of person and I recognize the behavior patterns.) Also, he's thirty years older than I am, and he's male and I'm female, so he's already huffy enough about listening to anything I say even though I have worked at the store longer and do, therefore, have some tacit authority over him.

(He's even huffier when MS tells or asks him to do something, or gives him advice; she's younger than I am, and only works part-time, but she's been at the store longer than I have, so it is very clear that his resistance is gender- and age-related. He's not nearly that touchy with ET, who is only one year older than I am, but who is, surprise surprise, male.)

But the point is, I let BW get away with this shit, and if no one ever calls him on it he's just going to keep on doing it. And I am so ashamed that I am effectively enabling him because I decided that it is less troublesome and hurtful to me, personally, to put up with his shit (though it's not what I'd call pleasant) than it would be to have a blowout argument and possible cold war at work. Because that's priviliging ME over anyone else who has to deal with him. And who am I to say, "I get to take the 'easy' way out, because my convenience matters more than yours"?

...

This post was inspired, in a very tangential and extremely self-centered fashion, by reading the racism imbroglio that seems to have errupted over LiveJournal this week. (All links go to rydra_wong's extraordinarily useful link-collection posts. You can also find a lot of the relevant posts on metafandom.) I have been reading various posts and simultaneously wondering how so many people fail to even realize there's a problem and they're blatantly being part of it, and also wincing at the realization of how many unexamined priviliges and assumptions I'm carting around, because some of the clueless and/or subtextually racist comments didn't seem so wrong to me at first glance. The assumptions and logical errors had to be pointed out before I realized what was happening and why it's horrible. (Other comments were just flat-out 'WTF, I cannot believe you just said that, do you not understand what you're implying?' but it was the more subtle ones that nagged at me the most, I think.)

But mostly I'm just amazed at the courage of various people of color in speaking out when something is wrong, because that is a damned hard thing to do. I wish I had half their strength, and I wish that they didn't need to be so strong, because nobody should have to live with that kind of institutionalized shit day in and day out forever. And I hope we can help change the world so nobody does have to live with it ever again.

on speaking out when things are wrong

Let me start by saying that this is a very self-centered post and is not in any way intended to step on anyone's foot nor to imply that my troubles are more important than anyone else's. With that said:

Last week, I was forced to overhear a conversation between my coworker BW and a regular customer I call Tubercular Baby Fart (because of a misogynistic comment he made about Hillary Clinton during the 2008 Democratic primary election season). TBF and BW, who are both older white men, were talking about California back in the 60s and 70s, and TBF told a story about Rod Serling, an anti-war gathering, and a young woman. I will attempt to reproduce it, though this is, of course, pretty much all paraphrased by this point.

TBF: ...and Rod Serling gets up on stage and gives a brilliant speech about the war and how it needs to stop. And then, this person whom I like to call 'The Idiot' -- a young woman, wearing all white, white miniskirt, skimpy white shirt, white boots, with long blonde hair--

BW: Oh, yes.

TBF: This idiot raises her hand and says that maybe we should think about supporting the troops, because her boyfriend is over in Vietnam. *grins around his pipe* And Rod Serling looks down at her from the stage and says, "Young lady, if you'd rather have your boyfriend a thousand miles away, in danger, instead of in the sack with you, you're about the stupidest person I've ever met." *laughs* And she puts her hands over her face and runs out of the room.

BW: *laughs* Rod Serling. Great guy.

And I was seething to myself, because my god, that's not a funny story! That's Rod Serling being an insensitive asshole and failing to realize that the young woman might have had a point that she was simply failing to express clearly (i.e., opposing the war does not mean opposing the soldiers fighting it, and maybe there's a way to both end the war and support the troops), and then it's two men laughing about a woman's public pain and humiliation. But I didn't say anything at the time, though I bitched to MS as soon as BW had gone out back.

She asked if I was surprised at BW's attitude. (Not TBF's attitude. That's about par for the course from him.) "Not as much as I wish I were," I said.

Which is true. I wish I were more surprised, but to be honest, I expect that sort of thing from men, and especially from men of my parents' generation or older.

But I am ashamed that I didn't say anything to BW directly. Part of that is because I didn't want to cause a scene while we had a line of customers waiting at the counter. Part of that is because I don't like confrontations with customers in general; they tend to leave me a bit shaky and can easily go overboard. (Customers do NOT like to be corrected or challenged by clerks, I think because they see it as upsetting the power dynamics of the brief interaction: customers are right, while clerks are only there to serve them.) But the biggest part is that I have to work with BW and I remember what it was like trying to get along at work while MS and ET were having a massive argument and refusing to speak to each other or work together (which was more his fault than hers, especially the final triggering incident, but neither was innocent).

I don't want to have arguments with my coworkers. I don't want BW to huff at me and say, "Well, obviously you don't get it; you're being oversensitive; can't you understand that supporting the Vietnam War was reprehensible and anyone who did deserved whatever she got; but it was funny; I don't see why you're upset; that's not misogyny, let me tell you what misogyny was really like back then," and so on, because I really do not think he'd understand why I was hurt and upset and offended, and he's the sort of person who has to be right and needs to explain to you why he's right. (I know, because I am also that sort of person and I recognize the behavior patterns.) Also, he's thirty years older than I am, and he's male and I'm female, so he's already huffy enough about listening to anything I say even though I have worked at the store longer and do, therefore, have some tacit authority over him.

(He's even huffier when MS tells or asks him to do something, or gives him advice; she's younger than I am, and only works part-time, but she's been at the store longer than I have, so it is very clear that his resistance is gender- and age-related. He's not nearly that touchy with ET, who is only one year older than I am, but who is, surprise surprise, male.)

But the point is, I let BW get away with this shit, and if no one ever calls him on it he's just going to keep on doing it. And I am so ashamed that I am effectively enabling him because I decided that it is less troublesome and hurtful to me, personally, to put up with his shit (though it's not what I'd call pleasant) than it would be to have a blowout argument and possible cold war at work. Because that's priviliging ME over anyone else who has to deal with him. And who am I to say, "I get to take the 'easy' way out, because my convenience matters more than yours"?

...

This post was inspired, in a very tangential and extremely self-centered fashion, by reading the racism imbroglio that seems to have errupted over LiveJournal this week. (All links go to rydra_wong's extraordinarily useful link-collection posts. You can also find a lot of the relevant posts on metafandom.) I have been reading various posts and simultaneously wondering how so many people fail to even realize there's a problem and they're blatantly being part of it, and also wincing at the realization of how many unexamined priviliges and assumptions I'm carting around, because some of the clueless and/or subtextually racist comments didn't seem so wrong to me at first glance. The assumptions and logical errors had to be pointed out before I realized what was happening and why it's horrible. (Other comments were just flat-out 'WTF, I cannot believe you just said that, do you not understand what you're implying?' but it was the more subtle ones that nagged at me the most, I think.)

But mostly I'm just amazed at the courage of various people of color in speaking out when something is wrong, because that is a damned hard thing to do. I wish I had half their strength, and I wish that they didn't need to be so strong, because nobody should have to live with that kind of institutionalized shit day in and day out forever. And I hope we can help change the world so nobody does have to live with it ever again.