wherein Liz admits that her "mild" depression is probably more serious than she's wanted to face

[edenfalling]

Iiiiiiii.... kind of totally forgot to make "stuff done" posts for the past week and a half? Hmm. I am still keeping up my to-do lists (though obviously not getting everything on them done every day), but I think perhaps if I keep stalling out on posting them, that part of the project is now doing more harm than good, so.

To summarize, over the past week and a half, I did some intake/sorting/setup for my church's annual garage sale (which runs this weekend, Saturday-Monday). I also acquired a set of four white wine glasses (which are actually pink -- "white" in this case refers to the shape/style rather than the actual glass color) for my parents and put an IOU into the box since I made off with them before the actual sale. The glasses, btw, are now safely in NJ at my parents' house.

I acquired a temporary dog. :D

I bought a replacement pair of slippers and a new pair of black not-quite-dress shoes for work. (I have had the damndest time finding black shoes that both look good and have enough support that they don't murder my feet if I walk a mile. Apparently nobody in the shoe manufacturing industry thinks women are going to regularly walk a mile in office work shoes? This is very short-sighted, in my opinion.)

I think my squash are dying. I am not sure if it's just the powdery mildew, or that plus some other thing, but they are all in extremely bad shape. I may just cut my losses, uproot them all, and start over with eight new seeds. I mean, I still have a solid two months of reasonable weather. It's worth a shot.

...I'll decide on Monday, I guess.

All nineteen of the peppers are fine, incidentally! Whatever attacked the squash has completely passed them over.

I posted my WIP Big Bang fic, but because of reasons, it is still not as edited as I wanted it to be, so I think I'll hold off on actually doing a link/advertising post here until I get it fixed up a little more. *sigh*

I am starting to think it really might be a good idea to look into getting back on antidepressants, because this general malaise, while not what I think of as "real" depression, has lasted for far too long and has been seriously affecting my quality of life for going on two years now. I find it hard to work up enthusiasm/energy for things I KNOW I like, and I have been letting far too many brickspace life tasks slide because I just can't pull myself together to deal with them.

Of course, figuring out how to get an antidepressant prescription is exactly the kind of brickspace task that currently feels impossible, because depression is evil like that. *deeper sigh*

Mnrgh.

On the brighter side, I have a pretty solid idea for my remix, and some halfway-solid ideas for my NFE fic, so hopefully I will be able to get enough sleep to sort of bootstrap myself into functionality for the next couple weeks and get them written by their respective deadlines. *crosses fingers and lights a candle for good measure*

Comments

[mme_hardy]

> I find it hard to work up enthusiasm/energy for things I KNOW I like,

Yeah. This. One of the worst things about depression, for me, is that it saps your ability to do anything about it. You're so tired and it's hard to do anything and you need to go through the hoops of seeing your doctor again.

Be smarter than I usually am, and do call your doctor Monday.

<3

[edenfalling]

Mmm. First I have to find a doctor.

See, I got out of the habit of annual checkups during my years without insurance and never really got back into the habit. I think insofar as I have 'a doctor' it would be a certain group practice in town, which I have been to... maybe three or four times over the past fifteen years? I believe I got a refill prescription there once back around 2003 or 2004 when I was still on Celexa. Anyway, I should check to see if they take my current insurance plan and then maybe work from there.

[mme_hardy]

Oh, God, the hoop-jumping. Hugs. Would it be useful if somebody else made the "do you take XXX and can I have an appointment"? call for you.

[edenfalling]

Last I checked, they listed the insurance they accepted on their website. They even let you make appointments via email/comment form! So I just need to go check.

Actually, hang on while I do that now...

Okay, it looks like they not only accept my insurance, but are in-network for my insurance company in general. Yay! Also they do have psychiatric/counseling services, though they refer some people to the county Mental Health Association.

I am not sure whether I count as a new or established patient, so I think I should probably call rather than trying to make an appointment online, since they've changed up their online contact procedures sometime in the past few years. I have their phone number saved as a contact, and I will call them tomorrow afternoon.

[mme_hardy]

Hooray! I know this stuff is surprisingly (to the outsider) hard.

[branchandroot]

Omg, women's office shoes are the /worst/. This is why I haunt Aerosoles for sales and add an orthaheel insole. Which is a pricey bundle, but it's the only way to keep my feet from killing me! So unfair.

That definitely sounds like med-time, yeah. Maybe just thinking one step at a time will help? Like... one phone call isn't too much of a pain. Just that, for now.

[edenfalling]

The annoying thing is that I did manage to find a very nice pair of brown shoes last year. I just cannot for the life of me repeat the trick for black shoes.

Probably I should just order a similar pair from the company (Eastland) that made my brown shoes, but I hate paying full price and not being able to try things on before purchase. Gnrgh.

...

Step one is to make sure the group practice that is "my doctor" (insofar as I have such a thing, which is not very -- maybe four visits over fifteen years) takes my current insurance plan. Then I can work myself up to a phone call.

[rthstewart]

Depression is a bugger. And SUCH A LIAR. Hang in there. One thing at a time. Meds can help. You do so much and are so amazing, even when down. Meds would help it all be less of an effort. UGH. I'm sorry.

[edenfalling]

I was on meds for a couple-three years back around 2002-2004ish, and they were very helpful! Then the pervasive grayness receded (and I also learned a bunch of techniques to break some maladaptive thought patterns and shove through bad days), after which I had a decade of success managing my periodic depressive episodes without meds. I can still get through those on my own, but it's harder to deal with chronic grayness than acute two-week brain-down-a-well interludes, because even if the grayness is mild, it's always there. *sigh* So, I think it is time for meds again because I am so tired of fighting this with only a sword and no shield.