[Fic] "Roll for Seduction" -- Homestuck

[edenfalling]

Summary: Jade's attempt to make New Year's cookies derails into an impromptu singalong. (1,175 words)

Note: This fic was written in response to the prompt: we wanted to cook but now we are dramatically singing a duet with kitchen utensils in our hands, this is quality Performance^TM from snogfairy's wholesome domestic prompts list. It's also a ladiesbingo fill for the square: Sigh No More, Ladies, on the grounds that that's notionally a song, and specifically a song telling women to stop paying attention to men and just have fun. ;) Part of the Leaf and Letter AU.

[ETA: the AO3 crosspost is now up!]

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Roll for Seduction
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"Explain to me again the thought process behind this disaster?" Rose said as she ran a dubious eye over the previously clean and bare counters of her kitchen. "And possibly also how you talked me into it?"

Jade smiled sheepishly from the far side of the granite-topped island, and Rose allowed herself a moment to appreciate how unselfconsciously sexy she looked with her hair tied up and back in a sloppy tail and an apron bearing a terrible pun -- sin(gerine)/cos(gerine) = a picture of a small orange -- tied over her old college hoodie and jeans. Then Jade raised one peanut-butter coated finger toward the ceiling and said, "Well! As for the first, I wanted to do something nice for my employees, and who doesn't like cookies? Even Karkat un-grumps a little in the face of baked goods! But holidays are messy and awkward both for larger cultural reasons and often for smaller personal reasons, so I figured it was more logical to make New Year's cookies. Which also conveniently lets me decorate everything with rainbow sprinkles, because fireworks!"

"Hurrah for fireworks," Rose said dryly.

"Exactly!" Jade said, stabbing her finger toward the ceiling. "Then, of course, we run into the slight problem that while I'm an excellent cook, I'm not an experienced baker of anything other than bread. On a related note, I also can't leave What Pumpkin closed indefinitely, so I figured I'd get everything baked in one day. You have a larger kitchen than I do, which allows me to mix up several batches of dough simultaneously, so as to maximize the efficiency of my baking process."

"I believe you're missing a 'theoretically' in that last sentence," Rose said.

Jade looked over the chaos of bowls, utensils, baking trays, and ingredients, and made a face. "Point conceded. But anyway, that's the thought process. As for why you agreed... I got nothing. Either my seduction skills are higher than I thought, or you're just a hopeless sucker."

Rose raised her eyebrows. "Those aren't mutually exclusive options."

Jade paused, then grinned. "Both?"

"Both."

"Both is good! And on that note, since you're already here and not wearing anything froofy, come help me fight your stand mixer. I think it's decided I'm its new nemesis, and I'd really like to get this butter creamed sometime this year."

"So, within the next twelve hours," Rose said. "Well, since we've established that you're extremely seductive and I'm congenitally weak to your batted eyes--"

"--shouldn't that be battered eyes, considering?" Jade interrupted.

"...good pun, terrible connotations, maybe let's not."

"Oh. Ugh. Yeah, that's fair." Jade flicked her fingers as if banishing any unwelcome connotations from her baking process. "Anyway, bring your weak-willed butt into your kitchen and lend me your eldritch touch. I prefer to rule appliances with mutual respect, but I'm willing to use fear when gentler methods fail."

"I'm stealing that line for Senior Librarian Nalyx," Rose said as she walked into the kitchen. She poked at the stand mixer, then detoured to the sink to grab a damp rag. "Also, I think you got peanut butter onto the sensors. Sir Mixalot is a sensitive soul and won't turn on if he can't judge the distance from his beaters to the bowl."

"There are so many potential dirty puns in that statement that I can't decide which to make first," Jade said. "How do you just say things like that with a straight face?"

Rose shot her girlfriend a mock glare. "Excuse you? I haven't had a straight face in my life."

Jade dissolved into giggles. Rose took that as her rightful due, and began wiping down Sir Mixalot. "Oh, baby, look at you. How did you get into such a state? Peanut butter everywhere. Yes, yes, I know it's terrible. Hold still and I'll get you all cleaned up so you can get back to work. I know it's not your fault, you just can't do your best under these circumstances. Don't worry, I'll be handling you from now on, no more of Jade and her sticky fingers."

"That's not what you said last night," Jade put in, waggling her eyebrows.

Rose clapped her hands to Sir Mixalot's sides. "Language! Not in front of the impressionable appliances!"

Jade dissolved back into giggles. "Oh my god," she managed between laughs, "what got into you today? Not that I'm complaining! But if you were anyone else, I'd be wondering if you were--"

She trailed off.

"Drunk?" Rose finished wryly. "High? Well, how should I know what mysteries might have been lurking in the depths of my morning coffee? You were the one who brewed it and then waved it temptingly under my nose while I was attempting to steal another hour of warm, delicious sleep before steeling myself to face the stygian chill of midwinter."

"I feel like this is where we should be narratively compelled to break into 'Baby, It's Cold Outside'," Jade said, "only I don't remember the lyrics."

Rose snickered and then sang, deliberately off-key, "'Memory, all alone in the moonlight--'"

"You stop that," Jade said, pointing a wooden rolling pin sternly across the island.

"Right, right, you're a dog person. And anyway, you're more of a Disney princess than a washed-up starlet. Hmm. Princesses, memory problems..." Rose grinned. "I have it! 'Dancing bears, painted wings, things I almost remember--'"

"Anastasia isn't actually Disney, you know."

"Who cares? 'And a song someone sings, once upon a December. Someone holds me safe and warm'--"

Jade joined in, her voice clear and strong, and Rose pulled up just enough of her high school choral training to drop down into makeshift harmony: "'Horses prance through a silver storm, figures dancing gracefully across my memory--'"

Rose caught Jade's eyes, and without needing to exchange words they mutually decided to jump over the instrumental interlude and go straight for the final verse. Jade raised her rolling pin like a microphone, and Rose felt something -- maybe the music, maybe longing for a better childhood than the ones either of them had had, maybe love... or maybe all three together -- swell in her chest and her throat as she sang.

"'Far away, long ago,
'Glowing dim as an ember,
'Things my heart used to know,
'Things it yearns to remember
'And a song someone sings
'Once upon a December.'"

Rose switched on Sir Mixalot by way of providing applause. It seemed less fraught than either rushing around the island to kiss Jade or letting the moment fade into awkward silence.

Sure enough, Jade snorted as she lowered her rolling pin. "Thank you, thank you, we'll be here all afternoon. Repeat performances unlikely, but the stars can probably be persuaded into other songs given the right incentive."

"Such incentive being?" Rose inquired over Sir Mixalot's steady whirr.

Jade licked peanut butter off her fingers, and winked. "I hear cookies work well."

After a hopefully unnoticeable pause to steady her voice, Rose said, "Then I suppose we'll have to bake some."

"And that," Jade said triumphantly, "is exactly how I got you to agree to this disaster in the first place."

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End of Ficlet

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I am not entirely sure why puns ended up being the running theme of this ficlet, but whatever. Also, as you can probably tell this was intended as an actual New Year's fic. I didn't get it done in time (alas!) but late is better than never. :)

For the curious, here is a link to Jade's apron, though I think hers is probably light blue.

Comments

[edenfalling]

Thank you! :)