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edenfallingUm, avast, ye scurvy dogs?
...
I fail utterly at talking like a pirate. As compensation (and as proof that I was not quite sane during high school), I offer you the only thing I have ever written that has a pirate in it: an excerpt from "Imsim Incorporated," an 11-part story I never did get around to finishing.
Anyway, I will summarize parts 1-5, because otherwise part 6 will make even less sense than it's intended to.
1. Imsim Is Dead: A Modern Fable, in which various people (Lize, Arte & Anir, Ea, and Ruth) react to Imsim's death.
2. The President Is Deleted: Another Modern Fable, in which various other people react to the President’s disappearance, and a bit of plot concerning Lize, Tethturo, and Omar the Tentmaker (Director of the FBI) is laid.
3. The Epic Tragedy of Herbil the Gerbil and Taik the Snake, in which various people react (or fail to react) to the disappearance of Herbil and Taik, Udlym fails to appear, and a bit of plot concerning Zinnia is laid.
4. The Epic Comedy of the Magenta Plastic Raincoat, in which a magenta plastic raincoat wreaks havoc with Operation Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, and plot concerning Nietzsche and the galactic heroes & interstellar time bandits is laid.
5. The Day It Rained Turtles, in which both Udlym and some proper narrative finally make an appearance, and Yekaterina the Witch takes Seth off to save the galaxy.
---------------------------------------------
The Pirate, the Witch, and the Demon Rum
---------------------------------------------
They appeared.
Seth looked around wildly. "Where the hell are we?" he asked.
"I should think that would be very obvious," Yekaterina answered. "We are on the Flying Dutchman, a pirate ship. Her master is the Dread Pirate Matt, scourge of the seas of Eskardy, fourth planet of Kasbat, a star too dim in your skies to have any astronomical designation other than a number which I cannot remember at this moment. Don't you people on Earth know anything about the galaxy?"
"I should think that would be very obvious," Seth snapped. "Of course not! We've only barely gotten to our own moon. How the hell are we supposed to know anything about the rest of the galaxy?"
"You are obviously very ignorant as well as skeptical and irresponsible," Yekaterina said. "One of the greatest spaceship designers ever known came from your planet. His name was Imsim. Unfortunately, he died before he built more than one ship, but fragments of his designs remain and are used in shipyards throughout the galaxy. And please stop cursing. It is not polite, especially when you are about to meet one of the galaxy's living legends." She pointed to the front of the ship, where a figure was turning to face them.
Seth stared. The Dread Pirate Matt rather obviously loved bright colors, and even more obviously lacked any talent for matching them. Somehow, he managed to pull off his garish outfit, to Seth's great admiration. The pirate stuck out his hand and grinned.
"From your unusual transportation methods, I take it the GPA promoted you to Witch," he said to Yekaterina. He bowed over her hand and kissed it graciously; she grimaced. "And you," he continued smoothly, turning to Seth, "would make a wonderful pirate. You have the right air of boredom with conventionality. I don't suppose you'd be interested?" The Dread Pirate Matt, scourge of the Eskardian seas, cocked an eyebrow quizzically at his unexpected guests.
The galaxy remains tragically ignorant of Seth's answer.
"We have no time for this," Yekaterina announced. "The galaxy is in terrible danger, from an unknown but immensely powerful, malignant, and dastardly source, which incidentally appears to be completely and utterly bonkers. We have pinpointed the entity's most probable target as Earth, third planet of the star Sol. We desperately need your help to prevent the end of the world as we know it. Please join us." She stuck out her hand.
"Hold on, wait a minute!" The Dread Pirate Matt held up his hands. "I'm a pirate -- I can slip out into legend-space anytime I want to -- so why should I care if this galaxy is destroyed? And why should I help you? The last time I ran into the GPA, as I recall, I ended up in jail. It took me almost three hours to break out! Give me one good reason I should help you. And none of that 'goodness of my heart' nonsense. Money, or something of equivalent value."
Yekaterina sighed. "Very well. We offer you a complete pardon for any of your past crimes, any you may commit while saving the galaxy, and any you may commit within the next year, not including timeline meddling or first-degree murder. Will that do?"
The Dread Pirate Matt folded his arms and stared at the sky. Yekaterina sighed. He tapped his foot. She sighed again. He started to whistle.
"Oh, all right!" she said. "I conditionally forgive you for standing me up at my induction ceremony in order to steal the Agency's secret codebook. Now will you help us?"
The Dread Pirate Matt grinned. "Of course. Anything for you, Katy. Now, when do we start?"
Yekaterina the Witch grinned back. "Right now. Twinkle, sprinkle, little star: bet you can't guess where we are!"
They vanished.
---------------
They appeared.
"Okay, I kept my mouth shut through your little reunion, but I want some answers, and I want them now!" Seth yelled. Several hundred people turned and stared. He looked around. "And I want to know what we're doing in a subway station," he added more quietly.
"All will become apparent in good time," said Yekaterina. "Right now, we are looking for a very important man, who is being chased by the FBI. And I believe he is right here." She pointed over Seth's shoulder.
Tethturo ran madly through the station, jumped a turnstile, and skidded to a halt in front of Yekaterina. "Katy, you have to help me. I thought I'd lost them, but they're coming, and you have no idea how crazy their director is!"
Seth and the Dread Pirate Matt looked at him oddly. "Who are you and how do you know her?" they chorused.
Tethturo looked at them oddly. "I'm her brother. Who are you, and how do you know her?"
Yekaterina groaned. "I do not have time for this. Tethturo, meet Seth, an American high school student, and the Dread Pirate Matt, the creep who stood me up at my induction ceremony. We are attempting to save the galaxy from imminent destruction centered in this city. Part of that means rescuing a girl named Lize. Do you, by any chance, know of her or her location?"
The galaxy remains tragically ignorant of Tethturo's answer, because Udlym, the Agent of Dialogue Disruption, stepped in, leading the FBI. Seth gaped, Tethturo blanched, Yekaterina frowned, and the Dread Pirate Matt yelled, "Run!"
They ran.
---------------
Several minutes later, Yekaterina groaned again. "I am an idiot. All of you, join hands." They joined hands, a difficult feat while running through the Washington Metro. Their success attested to their suitability as saviors of the galaxy. (Don't laugh; they had to do something physically challenging, or this wouldn't qualify as a heroic epic.)
"Humpty Dumpty, pudding and pots; wherever you are, that's where I'm not!" Yekaterina yelled.
They vanished.
---------------
They appeared.
"What on earth!" Lize exclaimed. Then she saw Tethturo. "Oh, you. Did they catch you, too, then? You're in for it now. Omar the Tentmaker really wants to join the secret conspiracy to turn America into a police state, and he thinks we're members."
"I don't know anything about any secret conspiracies!" Tethturo protested. "I'm not from this country. I'm not even from this planet. I was just having a really bad day, so I thought I'd kill the President, and then get killed in those convenient civilian executions that usually get arranged by the CIA."
Lize shrugged. "It figures. I finally find a guy who actually knows I'm alive, and he turns out to be an alien. Why couldn't you and Imsim have switched?"
"You know Imsim?" Seth broke in.
"Knew him? I loved him!"
Seth arched his eyebrow skeptically. "True love? In high school?"
"Well, maybe not love," Lize admitted. "But it would have been, if he'd ever realized I was alive. We could have had wild, passionate sex together." She turned to Tethturo. "And then I wouldn't have had wild, passionate sex with an alien. You're absolutely sure you're an alien, Turry?"
"Turry?" Yekaterina exclaimed. Tethturo flushed. "Oh, never mind. Listen, all of you. The galaxy is in imminent danger from an unidentified, immensely powerful, and utterly crazy entity. It appears to be focusing its creation of chaos on this planet, most especially on the director of the FBI and on the popular presidential candidate Nietzsche. It is imperative that we thwart this entity's efforts, or the galaxy will be destroyed."
Dead silence echoed through the cell.
...
...
...
---------------------------------------------
And as I say, I never did get around to finishing the story.
I did have titles and summaries for parts 7-11 -- "Doughtnuts on the Flying Dutchman," "Nuclear War: A Beginner's Manual," "Everything Happens at Once," "Everything Else Happens at Breakneck Speed," and "God Is Dead: The Last Modern Fable" -- but I never wrote more than the first paragraph of part 7. The rest has languished for nearly eight years now, because I am not the same person I was back then and I can't figure out how to recontort my brain so my original plan seems like any sort of good idea.
Like I said, I was not particularly sane as a teenager. I flatter myself that I've gotten a bit more stable since then, and also learned how to write proper stories instead of faffing around with impenetrable bad jokes.
Your mileage, of course, may vary. :-)
...
I fail utterly at talking like a pirate. As compensation (and as proof that I was not quite sane during high school), I offer you the only thing I have ever written that has a pirate in it: an excerpt from "Imsim Incorporated," an 11-part story I never did get around to finishing.
Anyway, I will summarize parts 1-5, because otherwise part 6 will make even less sense than it's intended to.
1. Imsim Is Dead: A Modern Fable, in which various people (Lize, Arte & Anir, Ea, and Ruth) react to Imsim's death.
2. The President Is Deleted: Another Modern Fable, in which various other people react to the President’s disappearance, and a bit of plot concerning Lize, Tethturo, and Omar the Tentmaker (Director of the FBI) is laid.
3. The Epic Tragedy of Herbil the Gerbil and Taik the Snake, in which various people react (or fail to react) to the disappearance of Herbil and Taik, Udlym fails to appear, and a bit of plot concerning Zinnia is laid.
4. The Epic Comedy of the Magenta Plastic Raincoat, in which a magenta plastic raincoat wreaks havoc with Operation Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, and plot concerning Nietzsche and the galactic heroes & interstellar time bandits is laid.
5. The Day It Rained Turtles, in which both Udlym and some proper narrative finally make an appearance, and Yekaterina the Witch takes Seth off to save the galaxy.
---------------------------------------------
The Pirate, the Witch, and the Demon Rum
---------------------------------------------
They appeared.
Seth looked around wildly. "Where the hell are we?" he asked.
"I should think that would be very obvious," Yekaterina answered. "We are on the Flying Dutchman, a pirate ship. Her master is the Dread Pirate Matt, scourge of the seas of Eskardy, fourth planet of Kasbat, a star too dim in your skies to have any astronomical designation other than a number which I cannot remember at this moment. Don't you people on Earth know anything about the galaxy?"
"I should think that would be very obvious," Seth snapped. "Of course not! We've only barely gotten to our own moon. How the hell are we supposed to know anything about the rest of the galaxy?"
"You are obviously very ignorant as well as skeptical and irresponsible," Yekaterina said. "One of the greatest spaceship designers ever known came from your planet. His name was Imsim. Unfortunately, he died before he built more than one ship, but fragments of his designs remain and are used in shipyards throughout the galaxy. And please stop cursing. It is not polite, especially when you are about to meet one of the galaxy's living legends." She pointed to the front of the ship, where a figure was turning to face them.
Seth stared. The Dread Pirate Matt rather obviously loved bright colors, and even more obviously lacked any talent for matching them. Somehow, he managed to pull off his garish outfit, to Seth's great admiration. The pirate stuck out his hand and grinned.
"From your unusual transportation methods, I take it the GPA promoted you to Witch," he said to Yekaterina. He bowed over her hand and kissed it graciously; she grimaced. "And you," he continued smoothly, turning to Seth, "would make a wonderful pirate. You have the right air of boredom with conventionality. I don't suppose you'd be interested?" The Dread Pirate Matt, scourge of the Eskardian seas, cocked an eyebrow quizzically at his unexpected guests.
The galaxy remains tragically ignorant of Seth's answer.
"We have no time for this," Yekaterina announced. "The galaxy is in terrible danger, from an unknown but immensely powerful, malignant, and dastardly source, which incidentally appears to be completely and utterly bonkers. We have pinpointed the entity's most probable target as Earth, third planet of the star Sol. We desperately need your help to prevent the end of the world as we know it. Please join us." She stuck out her hand.
"Hold on, wait a minute!" The Dread Pirate Matt held up his hands. "I'm a pirate -- I can slip out into legend-space anytime I want to -- so why should I care if this galaxy is destroyed? And why should I help you? The last time I ran into the GPA, as I recall, I ended up in jail. It took me almost three hours to break out! Give me one good reason I should help you. And none of that 'goodness of my heart' nonsense. Money, or something of equivalent value."
Yekaterina sighed. "Very well. We offer you a complete pardon for any of your past crimes, any you may commit while saving the galaxy, and any you may commit within the next year, not including timeline meddling or first-degree murder. Will that do?"
The Dread Pirate Matt folded his arms and stared at the sky. Yekaterina sighed. He tapped his foot. She sighed again. He started to whistle.
"Oh, all right!" she said. "I conditionally forgive you for standing me up at my induction ceremony in order to steal the Agency's secret codebook. Now will you help us?"
The Dread Pirate Matt grinned. "Of course. Anything for you, Katy. Now, when do we start?"
Yekaterina the Witch grinned back. "Right now. Twinkle, sprinkle, little star: bet you can't guess where we are!"
They vanished.
---------------
They appeared.
"Okay, I kept my mouth shut through your little reunion, but I want some answers, and I want them now!" Seth yelled. Several hundred people turned and stared. He looked around. "And I want to know what we're doing in a subway station," he added more quietly.
"All will become apparent in good time," said Yekaterina. "Right now, we are looking for a very important man, who is being chased by the FBI. And I believe he is right here." She pointed over Seth's shoulder.
Tethturo ran madly through the station, jumped a turnstile, and skidded to a halt in front of Yekaterina. "Katy, you have to help me. I thought I'd lost them, but they're coming, and you have no idea how crazy their director is!"
Seth and the Dread Pirate Matt looked at him oddly. "Who are you and how do you know her?" they chorused.
Tethturo looked at them oddly. "I'm her brother. Who are you, and how do you know her?"
Yekaterina groaned. "I do not have time for this. Tethturo, meet Seth, an American high school student, and the Dread Pirate Matt, the creep who stood me up at my induction ceremony. We are attempting to save the galaxy from imminent destruction centered in this city. Part of that means rescuing a girl named Lize. Do you, by any chance, know of her or her location?"
The galaxy remains tragically ignorant of Tethturo's answer, because Udlym, the Agent of Dialogue Disruption, stepped in, leading the FBI. Seth gaped, Tethturo blanched, Yekaterina frowned, and the Dread Pirate Matt yelled, "Run!"
They ran.
---------------
Several minutes later, Yekaterina groaned again. "I am an idiot. All of you, join hands." They joined hands, a difficult feat while running through the Washington Metro. Their success attested to their suitability as saviors of the galaxy. (Don't laugh; they had to do something physically challenging, or this wouldn't qualify as a heroic epic.)
"Humpty Dumpty, pudding and pots; wherever you are, that's where I'm not!" Yekaterina yelled.
They vanished.
---------------
They appeared.
"What on earth!" Lize exclaimed. Then she saw Tethturo. "Oh, you. Did they catch you, too, then? You're in for it now. Omar the Tentmaker really wants to join the secret conspiracy to turn America into a police state, and he thinks we're members."
"I don't know anything about any secret conspiracies!" Tethturo protested. "I'm not from this country. I'm not even from this planet. I was just having a really bad day, so I thought I'd kill the President, and then get killed in those convenient civilian executions that usually get arranged by the CIA."
Lize shrugged. "It figures. I finally find a guy who actually knows I'm alive, and he turns out to be an alien. Why couldn't you and Imsim have switched?"
"You know Imsim?" Seth broke in.
"Knew him? I loved him!"
Seth arched his eyebrow skeptically. "True love? In high school?"
"Well, maybe not love," Lize admitted. "But it would have been, if he'd ever realized I was alive. We could have had wild, passionate sex together." She turned to Tethturo. "And then I wouldn't have had wild, passionate sex with an alien. You're absolutely sure you're an alien, Turry?"
"Turry?" Yekaterina exclaimed. Tethturo flushed. "Oh, never mind. Listen, all of you. The galaxy is in imminent danger from an unidentified, immensely powerful, and utterly crazy entity. It appears to be focusing its creation of chaos on this planet, most especially on the director of the FBI and on the popular presidential candidate Nietzsche. It is imperative that we thwart this entity's efforts, or the galaxy will be destroyed."
Dead silence echoed through the cell.
...
...
...
---------------------------------------------
And as I say, I never did get around to finishing the story.
I did have titles and summaries for parts 7-11 -- "Doughtnuts on the Flying Dutchman," "Nuclear War: A Beginner's Manual," "Everything Happens at Once," "Everything Else Happens at Breakneck Speed," and "God Is Dead: The Last Modern Fable" -- but I never wrote more than the first paragraph of part 7. The rest has languished for nearly eight years now, because I am not the same person I was back then and I can't figure out how to recontort my brain so my original plan seems like any sort of good idea.
Like I said, I was not particularly sane as a teenager. I flatter myself that I've gotten a bit more stable since then, and also learned how to write proper stories instead of faffing around with impenetrable bad jokes.
Your mileage, of course, may vary. :-)
