beta for "Undertow" please?
Sep. 19th, 2009 04:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
edenfallingI went back over "Undertow" today, inserting a couple plot points that needed to be mentioned earlier than they had been, and trying to give the viewpoint character some actual reactions to stuff going on in the final section. The story is now about 7,000 words.
Now I need a beta.
You see, I have no perspective on this story anymore. Also, I don't have any idea if it A) achieves the atmospheric effects I was going for, or B) works properly on the two levels it's meant to work on. In one sense this is practically original fiction -- the POV character is an OC with no knowledge of the canon characters, it's not in a canon setting, and the canon characters are undercover until the very end. So it has to work on that level -- it has to make sense to a person reading it cold with no knowledge of Naruto.
And on the other level, it has to seem in-character for the canon characters to be playing those roles, and the little hints and throwaway stuff I put in should be an extra layer of payoff to people who do know Naruto canon and Team 7 in particular.
Also, this is kind of a sexually skeevy story -- not because anything actually happens on page, but because the whole situation is (in the POV character's eyes), a long seduction aimed at mutilation, rape, and eventual murder. He has done this before, and has every intention of doing it again. So I am not at all sure how that comes off to someone reading it for the first time.
Beyond those issues, I would (as always) appreciate a general spelling and grammar check, a does-this-make-sense check, and a 'wow, that's badly phrased' check. As for canon... "Undertow" is massively, massively AU by now, but the basic premise is that the 'resue Gaara' arc went a little differently, ending with Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi kidnapping Sasuke from Hidden Sound, after which Naruto and Sakura kidnapped Sasuke from Konoha before he could get thrown in jail and are now supporting themselves as missing-nin while hunting Akatsuki and Orochimaru.
...
Is anyone willing to look "Undertow" over for me? If so, please comment or send a private message and I will email you the file.
(If nobody has the time, I will inflict the raw version on livejournal on Monday, but I really do think it would benefit from being edited.)
Now I need a beta.
You see, I have no perspective on this story anymore. Also, I don't have any idea if it A) achieves the atmospheric effects I was going for, or B) works properly on the two levels it's meant to work on. In one sense this is practically original fiction -- the POV character is an OC with no knowledge of the canon characters, it's not in a canon setting, and the canon characters are undercover until the very end. So it has to work on that level -- it has to make sense to a person reading it cold with no knowledge of Naruto.
And on the other level, it has to seem in-character for the canon characters to be playing those roles, and the little hints and throwaway stuff I put in should be an extra layer of payoff to people who do know Naruto canon and Team 7 in particular.
Also, this is kind of a sexually skeevy story -- not because anything actually happens on page, but because the whole situation is (in the POV character's eyes), a long seduction aimed at mutilation, rape, and eventual murder. He has done this before, and has every intention of doing it again. So I am not at all sure how that comes off to someone reading it for the first time.
Beyond those issues, I would (as always) appreciate a general spelling and grammar check, a does-this-make-sense check, and a 'wow, that's badly phrased' check. As for canon... "Undertow" is massively, massively AU by now, but the basic premise is that the 'resue Gaara' arc went a little differently, ending with Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi kidnapping Sasuke from Hidden Sound, after which Naruto and Sakura kidnapped Sasuke from Konoha before he could get thrown in jail and are now supporting themselves as missing-nin while hunting Akatsuki and Orochimaru.
...
Is anyone willing to look "Undertow" over for me? If so, please comment or send a private message and I will email you the file.
(If nobody has the time, I will inflict the raw version on livejournal on Monday, but I really do think it would benefit from being edited.)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-21 09:21 am (UTC)I didn't say anything before now because I thought that someone more competent than me would probably come along, but no one did, so I'm putting my hand up =D.
I can offer spelling, grammar, and typos check, and can point out things that don't make sense/aren't clear/obvious enough.
I am very familiar with Naruto canon, so I can check for characterization glitches too. =D
My email is:
monkee_dust(at)hotmail(dot)com
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-21 03:44 pm (UTC)