Yuletide progress report; also, Liz continues talking about Ardis's death

[edenfalling]

Have received Yuletide story back from beta -- yay! *hugs wonderful, helpful comments* Will edit tonight after work, and post tonight or Monday morning.

I kept forgetting the posting deadline is 9pm on Monday. For some reason, my brain always edits that to midnight on Monday. Those three hours may not make much difference to most people in the USA, but I don't get off work until 9:15pm at the earliest (well, okay, 9:10pm if I rush a few steps and skip some courtesy set-up for the openers), and then I have a twenty minute walk, so I am usually not home until about quarter of ten. Therefore, I must post before work.

---------------

I feel weird these past few days. It's like, I am not shocked and sad and depressed all the time. I can be happy and cheerful, or annoyed, or amused, or all sorts of other normal emotional states. But while those emotions are real, I keep feeling like they are sort of gliding over the glassy surface of this giant reservoir of... of blankness. Like I am just not processing Ardis's death and its implications and consequences, and a noticeable portion of my brain is on hold trying to work through it.

It probably does not help that the air is freezing cold, the skies are solid gray, and we are one day away from winter solstice.

...

I am sorry I keep talking about this. I just... I am trying to work through what the hell happened, and what I feel about it, and what is going to happen with my family, and it helps to talk to people or write it down; putting my thoughts and feelings in order so they are communicable is a way to figure out what those thoughts and feelings are.

Comments

[theodosia21]

I don't mind. I never know what to say for these kinds of things, but I really do hope you feel better soon.

...Both of my grandfathers are dying at the moment.

[edenfalling]

Thank you. I think, in most cases, saying something at all is probably more relevant than what you say -- within reason, of course. (This theory does not stop me from feeling horribly awkward whenever offering condolences to people.)

I am sorry for your impending loss, and I hope your grandfathers are at least not in much pain.

[erised1810.livejournal.com]

{huggles} eek, i hate that feeling. adn this is a journal so you're free to share what you wantto share.

[edenfalling]

Thank you.

[aishuu.livejournal.com]

I don't think anyone blames you for going over this - it's quite natural. I don't think I've offered my condolences yet, though, and I extend them to you and yours.

When my grandfather died (and we knew it was coming), I was okay. But two years later, I still feel a very deep sense of loss and haven't really come to terms with it. Grief is a unique animal.

[edenfalling]

Yeah. Every death is different -- just like every person is different, I suppose.

I think what keeps throwing me in this case is the suddenness and randomness. With my uncle's death this fall, we were all at least aware that things could go wrong, though of course we hoped the transplant would take, the graft vs. host disease would be defeated, and he would recover. Ardis's death is just out of nowhere.

Anyway, thank you for your condolences.

[lurker-lost.livejournal.com]

It sounds a bit like you're going into shock... I mean, not so extreme, but like you just haven't figured out a way to deal with the emotions yet.

I haven't offered my condolences yet either, and I would like you to know that I am sending good vibes to you and your family from my corner of the world. <3

[edenfalling]

Definitely have not figured out how to deal yet. Maybe over Christmas -- I think it will help to be with family, so we can talk in person rather than just through email and phone calls.

And thank you for your good wishes.