4 things: headphones; sink repair; Sunday School imposter syndrome; on depression and writing

[edenfalling]

1. On Wednesday I went to the mall on my way to the grocery store, and bought a set of noise-cancelling headphones and an extension cord at Radio Shack, so I could listen to music and watch videos without A) disturbing my neighbors or B) needing to wait for the temperature to drop so I could turn down my fan. And they work just fine on those two counts.

You know what the crazy part is, though? I pulled up a few songs to make sure the connection was working and the headphones sat right on my ears, and it was like a whole new world opened up. I have been missing something like a whole third of the nuance of everything I've been listening to via my computer's built-in speakers. The difference is so blatant it practically punched me in the face.

So, you know, that's a nice bonus. :-)

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2. Still have not heard back from my landlords re: fixing the drain in my kitchen sink. Am peeved.

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3. On Saturday I got a call from the director of religious education (DRE) at my church, saying that I had been named as a particularly noteworthy teacher by some of my fellow teachers, and asking if I'd be willing to be a mentor to a new teacher this year. I said yes, of course.

It's funny, though. I know, objectively, that I am a good RE teacher. I've been doing it since I was in high school. I am good with stories and lessons, I am good at organizing stuff and quickly divvying up labor between co-teachers, I am good at hashing out a teaching schedule, I am good at helping kids with arts-and-crafts projects, and I am good at one-on-one interactions with kids (though I think they like me as much because I am endearingly awkward as because I am "cool," for whatever value of coolness grade-schoolers use). Hell, I even taught home school for a year as a paying job, and I was good at that, too!

But I have a moderate case of imposter syndrome about teaching, which is compounded by the awkwardness of me, an unmarried childless young woman, telling older married parents how to deal with children (often when their own children are in the classes they teach!). So I am nervous about this mentor business. I am sure in my sane mind that it will be fine, but it's harder to convince my gut, you know?

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4. I have been having trouble all month getting myself to sit down and write. Partly this is attributable to lack of sleep -- I've been having difficulty making myself go to bed at a reasonable hour, and then have been waking up often during the night -- and while I can get through the day on minimal sleep, doing anything beyond basic tasks gets trickier. But mostly it's because I've been going through one of my periodic blue funks -- I know how to keep them from crashing over a cliff into full-fledged depressive episodes these days, but that doesn't stop my brain chemistry from going wonky a few times a year, with no rhyme nor reason to when the funks strike -- and trying to be creative when all I want to do is sit around like a lump is, to say the least, hard.

(I am sure the sleep issues are related to the funk, incidentally. When I was in a depressive episode, I would do things like stay up for 30 hours straight because I couldn't motivate myself to go to bed, then sleep for 18 hours because I couldn't motivate myself to get up. Lather, rinse, repeat, with the added issue of not eating half the time because I couldn't motivate myself to do that either. Depression -- even relatively mild depression, like I had/have -- sucks.)

Anyway, every time I sit down and open a story file, I am filled with a feeling of, "Oh, not this again, this one sucks, it's so boring, why would anyone want to read it, I have no idea what I was thinking, I don't know what happens next, and who cares anyway? And I am too tired to think of a way to fix it." Which is, among other things, really annoying, because I know I don't normally think/feel that way about my writing, and I know that if I could just get into the swing of something, it would start to flow again and I'd have the glow of creation to help ward off the gray foggy nothingness that lurks around the edges of my funks.

Eh. I'll get through this. I always do. Something will click to life and the words will come. They always do, too.

Comments

[rthstewart.livejournal.com]

But I have a moderate case of imposter syndrome about teaching, which is compounded by the awkwardness of me, an unmarried childless young woman, telling older married parents how to deal with children (often when their own children are in the classes they teach!). So I am nervous about this mentor business. I am sure in my sane mind that it will be fine, but it's harder to convince my gut, you know?
In this, then, you are like the majority of my children's teachers. Most of them have been as you, unmarried and without children. There has been no correlation at all between teaching skill and marital/own child status and parents greatly value the insight of those who spend time with their children.

As for the depressive episode, it sounds that you are very familiar with the insidious cyclic nature of it and that the more down you are, the harder it is to do the things to get you out of it, like good sleep.

Good luck with it!

[edenfalling]

I raise the "I'm not a parent" issue mostly because a lot of people who teach Sunday school do so specifically to teach their own children's classes, which is a notable difference from normal school. So giving teaching advice feels more like giving parenting advice than I think it normally would. *wry*

But yes, being a parent and being a teacher are not the same job. It's just tricky to convince my irrational hindbrain of that truth. :-)

[hungrytiger11.livejournal.com]

You at least seem more aware of your "blue funks" than I am and many people are about there's and are trying to control it by getting sleep etc. Still, hope it ends soon.

The thing about teaching is- it is very different from parenting. Not only is it different activities and bonds, but the group dynamics are different, the expectations on the part of the children is different etc. You provide a good perspective that I think parents would like to have in addition to their own views on their children. Good luck with mentoring!

[edenfalling]

The funk itself is nearly over, thank goodness! (When I get annoyed at my lack of writing, rather than being so listless I don't notice the problem, it's a good sign.) Now I'm mostly fighting residual sleep pattern disruption and the inertia of not writing much for a few weeks. And I wrote 250 words tonight, which is a good sign. :-)