on depression and the bottom of the well

[edenfalling]

One thing that got me into trouble when I was fighting periodic clinical depression in college (and out of college, and back in college, and then out again...) was that I would essentially fall out of my life for one to three weeks and then, when I was finally starting to feel connected to myself and the world again -- when I was just barely able to find motivation to do anything more than sit around like a gray, shapeless lump -- I would realize I had one to three weeks of important life tasks to catch up on, many of which were time-sensitive and past their deadlines.

It was like standing at the bottom of a well and trying to climb out with tiny handholds between the stones. Hopeless, in other words. Why even bother? And so I would just give up and let everything spiral out of my control.

This is why I ended up failing a lot of classes and, you know, dropping out twice.

The thing is, you can climb out of a well. The trick is not to look up at the tiny hole of sunlight way out of reach. You have to look at the stone wall in front of you and say, "Okay, here's one handhold. And there's another, one foot higher. And now that I have my hands and feet set, let me move one hand up to the next hold. And again. And again."

Eventually, you get out.

...

This post brought to you by a Liz who has caught up on her email, her journal comments, her bills, her laundry, her groceries, and her flu shot. I just need to look over the curriculum for the Sunday school lesson I am filling in for tomorrow (one of my co-teachers had to be out of town), and I will be back on top of real life. \o/

Now we get to see if I can stay here, which is much, much harder. *wry*