on depression and the bottom of the well

[edenfalling]

One thing that got me into trouble when I was fighting periodic clinical depression in college (and out of college, and back in college, and then out again...) was that I would essentially fall out of my life for one to three weeks and then, when I was finally starting to feel connected to myself and the world again -- when I was just barely able to find motivation to do anything more than sit around like a gray, shapeless lump -- I would realize I had one to three weeks of important life tasks to catch up on, many of which were time-sensitive and past their deadlines.

It was like standing at the bottom of a well and trying to climb out with tiny handholds between the stones. Hopeless, in other words. Why even bother? And so I would just give up and let everything spiral out of my control.

This is why I ended up failing a lot of classes and, you know, dropping out twice.

The thing is, you can climb out of a well. The trick is not to look up at the tiny hole of sunlight way out of reach. You have to look at the stone wall in front of you and say, "Okay, here's one handhold. And there's another, one foot higher. And now that I have my hands and feet set, let me move one hand up to the next hold. And again. And again."

Eventually, you get out.

...

This post brought to you by a Liz who has caught up on her email, her journal comments, her bills, her laundry, her groceries, and her flu shot. I just need to look over the curriculum for the Sunday school lesson I am filling in for tomorrow (one of my co-teachers had to be out of town), and I will be back on top of real life. \o/

Now we get to see if I can stay here, which is much, much harder. *wry*

Comments

[jjhunter]

I've had that experience--I'm on leave right now from college because of it. Glad you're back.

[edenfalling]

Thank you, and good luck getting your life figured out!

Leaving college the second time was really good for me, because I framed it as actually leaving, for as a long as it took to get my head and my life in order. The first time it was framed as a one-year psychiatric medical leave, which was, in retrospect, the opposite of helpful -- I felt under constant pressure to both "get better right now" and jump through the hoops (a job and part-time classes at a local community college) that would "prove" I was able to cope with full-time college again. Well, I jumped through the hoops, but it sure as hell didn't prove anything, because the next semester I was right back to falling apart.

I cope much better with a job than I ever did with classes, and while I still have my periodic blue funks, these days I am much better at shoving through them and picking up after any fallout. I count myself very lucky. :-)

[jjhunter]

Thank you for sharing this. I'm currently in the jumping-through-hoops stage, and very conflicted about going back in the spring. It's what everyone expects me to do, and my present job will be ending in January, but I'm afraid that I'll just end up in a similar place again even with this new med. regime. But I also want to get back to getting on with my life, you know?

My funks tend to be an intense two or three days of horrible making-myself-miserable unproductivity and isolation. I'm in such bad shape when I get out of them that it's hard to get myself together for the rest of the week and get whatever needs doing done.

So it means a lot to hear that it can get better. I lose sight of that sometimes.

[pineapplechild]

I have never been diagnosed with depression or any of the ilk, and I don't really think I should be, as my mental state is generally fairly even keel. BUT, point is, I use the tiny handhold method of doing things all the time. I have epic lists, of with sub lists of "Homework" and "Housework" and so forth. I also do a reward thing-- "OH, you got to the next hand hold! Yay, let's read fic for fifteen minutes."

But, main point: yay, good analogy. now let me make more lists of little things to do and keep moving.

[edenfalling]

It is a multifaceted technique! Any overwhelming task always looks much more doable when broken down into little steps. :-)

[aishuu.livejournal.com]

I think this is a pretty good description of the only way depression can be "cured." It's a daily battle to keep from slipping again. One step forward at a time.

[edenfalling]

Yeah, it's very: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." And then continues, step by step by step, for the rest of your life. *wry*

[aishuu.livejournal.com]

I wish people got that. ^^;;

[rthstewart.livejournal.com]

Depression is a bitch. I don't have it myself, but I've lived all my life (parent and now spouse) with people who do and you all are heroic to accomplish what you do in spite of that cloud that surrounds your head and makes it impossible to see or think clearly. Congrats on climbing out of the well, again.

[edenfalling]

I am very, very lucky in that my depression is both periodic (rather than constant) and relatively mild even in the depths of my blue funks -- I describe it as being wrapped in gray fog and unable to connect to the world, though I am aware the world is still out there somewhere beyond the cloud... and fortunately, because of the nature of my symptoms, I know the world will come back in a couple weeks. Therefore, I am able to manage the funks without medication, using some carefully trained habits of thought and patterns of behavior -- tricks which do not, alas, do much against more severe cases. :-(

I have gotten practiced at climbing out of wells over the years. I have yet to master the trick of not falling into them in the first place, though I'm working on it!

[annearchy.livejournal.com]

This is what DD's new shrink is telling her: don't look at the far horizon, just look at what you need to do to get through today. So far, unfortunately, she's not listening. Maybe some day.

[edenfalling]

It took a few years of therapy and repeated screwups before it got through to me, so. You can actually see me still resisting the idea in some journal entries from 2003/2004, when my dad was the one presenting it to me. *sigh* I think it's one of those things where you can be told and told, and it's never going to stick until you work it out for yourself. :-( But even so, keep trying! One of these days it will click, and in the meantime she knows you are there with her.