[Fic] "Trollstuck," part 17 -- Homestuck

[edenfalling]

back to part 16

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Trollstuck, part 17
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====>Troll Alonde

This is a terrible idea, but all your current options are terrible, so why not. You'd much rather be doing nothing, trolling Gamzee, or even trolling Jothan, but unless Pupa Pan's miracle fairy comes down to dance on your horns and sprinkle special stardust over this shitheap of a situation, the only way you're likely to make any difference in this runaway catastrophe is by talking to somebody whose brand of insanity at least lends itself to tangible results.

You spare a second to hope she's not still talking to Jarlia. Alonde has a penchant for roping people into memos who should not ever be in the same conversation at the same time, and while it would be glorious to rub Jarlia's face in how much better your ideas are than hers, you just know Alonde would somehow turn it all into a steaming pool of vomit and laugh at your futile flailing attempts to regain the few shreds of dignity your life hasn't yet ground away.

====>Get on with it already, numbglobes

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tentacleTormentrix [TT] --

CG: HEY ALONDE.
CG: ARE YOU DONE PATTING JARLIA ON THE HEAD AND TELLING HER SHE'S A GOOD LITTLE BARKBEAST?
CG: I HAVE SOME BETTER IDEAS ON HOW TO DEAL WITH THE SHITSTORM SHE'S DROPPED US ALL INTO.
TT: -> Hello, Karkat. Goodness, it's been a long time since we've talked. <-
TT: -> Nearly two perigees, I believe. <-
TT: -> I hope you haven't been harboring any resentment over the conclusion to our last conversation. <-
CG: FUCK YOU AND YOUR MURDERSQUID, WHICH, FOR YOUR INFORMATION, DIED LIKE A MEWLING PURRBEAST CUB CRYING FOR ITS MOTHER.
CG: I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR MINDGAMES.
CG: DID JARLIA TELL YOU ABOUT THE THING WITH VRISKA, ARADIA, AND HER OWN FATHOMLESS STUPIDITY?
TT: -> Not in those exact words, but she did convey the gist of the situation, yes. <-
TT: -> I doubt anything I could say to Jothan would make much difference at this point, but I have no reason not to try. <-
TT: -> Aradia is my friend. <-
CG: OH SHIT HOLD THE INTERNET, I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO GAMZEE THIS VERY INSTANT.
CG: YOU HAVE A FRIEND. MIRACLES DO EXIST.
TT: -> Your sarcasm is sadly ineffective, I'm afraid. I might even describe it as... wilted. <-
TT: =:)
TT: -> But yes, Aradia is my friend. <-
TT: -> Furthermore, she and I are working on a project of potentially vital importance to the future of our species, and, unless I have very badly misinterpreted your situation vis-à-vis the culling laws, your own future. <-
CG: WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU'RE IMPLYING, YOU'RE CATEGORICALLY WRONG.
CG: I HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. MY FUTURE IS PLANNED AND THE PLAN IS RUNNING LIKE A FUCKING MACHINE.
CG: AS YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED BY THE MASTERFUL WAY I SLICED AND DICED YOUR WANNABE HORRORTERROR.
TT: -> Such bold words! I believe I may faint. <-
CG: YOUR SARCASM IS SO PATHETIC, IT DIED OF EMBARRASSMENT AT THE SHAME OF ITS OWN EXISTENCE.
TT: -> Said one foodblock utensil to the other. <-
TT: -> Invigorating as this exchange of tepid insults may be, you had a purpose for contacting me. <-
TT: <- What do you want? ->
CG: I WANT THE UNIVERSE TO FUCK ITSELF IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE ORIFICE UNTIL THIS DISGUSTING JOKE KNOWN AS LIFE IS REVEALED FOR THE FUTILE WASTE IT IS AND I CAN STOP PRETENDING TO GIVE A SHIT AS WE ALL DIE MISERABLY.
CG: SINCE THE UNIVERSE HATES ME AND THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, I'LL SETTLE FOR KEEPING ARADIA AMONG THE LIVING.
TT: -> Ever the optimist, aren't we. <-
CG: WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAVE GIVEN YOU THAT IDEA.
CG: BUT SERIOUSLY, FORGET ABOUT JOTHAN. HE'S PUT THE IDEA IN VRISKA'S THINKPAN BY NOW AND EVEN IF HE HAD SECOND THOUGHTS, DO YOU REALLY THINK HE COULD PERSUADE HER TO BACK DOWN?
TT: <- Honestly? ->
TT: -> I don't know. <-
TT: -> Vriska is among the most transparent people I know, regardless of her self-image. Jothan is much harder to parse. <-
CG: YOU MEAN HE MAKES AS MUCH SENSE AS A SEVERED HAND STUCK INTO A SOPOR PIE AND LEFT ON MY HIVE DOORSTEP WITH A GIANT RAINBOW-COLORED BOW AND A NOTE SAYING, "IN CASE OF HAIL."
TT: <- Did he really do that? ->
CG: YES.
CG: I STILL HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT, THOUGH I SUSPECT HE'D BEEN OUT SAILING WITH GAMZEE THAT NIGHT.
TT: -> I see. <-
TT: -> In any case, Jothan can be surprisingly persuasive when he feels strongly about an issue, and Vriska does lower most of her defensive screens where he's concerned. <-
TT: -> If I can terrify him into understanding the consequences of his actions, we might yet exit this crisis in better shape to avoid similar problems in nights to come. <-
CG: YEAH, FUCK THAT, HIS REACTION TO TERROR IS TOO UNPREDICTABLE.
CG: THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO INSTEAD.
CG: AND IT'S TEREZI'S SUGGESTION, NOT MINE, SO PUT A LID ON YOUR AUTOMATIC DISDAIN FOR ANY WORDS THAT EXIT MY AIRTUBES, ALL RIGHT?
TT: -> So noted. <-
CG: THE SCENARIO WE'RE WORKING WITH RUNS AS FOLLOWS:
CG: VRISKA GANKS CONTROL OF SOLLUX. WE CAN'T STOP THAT BECAUSE HIS MIGRAINE LEAVES HIM VULNERABLE, UNCONSCIOUSNESS WOULD JUST LEAVE HIM EVEN MORE OPEN, AND HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO RESTRAIN A STARSHIP-CLASS PSIONIC?
CG: WORD OF ADVICE: DON'T.
CG: SO WE HAVE TO INTERVENE ON ARADIA'S END.
CG: SHE'S NOT ANSWERING HER COMPUTER FOR SOME REASON, SO WE CAN'T WARN HER.
CG: TEREZI'S WORKING ON KRONOS, BUT EVEN IF THAT FAILS TO PAN OUT, WE CAN BUY ARADIA SOME TIME TO RUN.
CG: GO ON, ASK ME HOW.
TT: -> No need. I see the point you're meandering toward. <-
TT: -> You want me to send a Visitation to Aradia's hive, with instructions to attack Sollux and thereby create a brief window for Aradia to escape. <-
TT: -> It's not a terrible idea. <-
CG: I SENSE A "BUT" WAITING TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A BULGE-BITING MORON.
TT: -> How perceptive of you! <-
TT: =:)
TT: -> Vriska keeps this to herself for obvious reasons, but I am not the only one among our friends to experiment with powers from the Furthest Abyss. <-
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.
CG: YOU MEAN THERE ARE TWO OF YOU SUMMONING HORRORFREAKS?
TT: -> Not at all. <-
CG: STOP OBFUSCATING FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES AND JUST TELL ME WHAT THE GLOBE-FONDLING FUCK YOU MEAN.
TT: -> Your penchant for sexual and scatological wordplay never ceases to amuse me. <-
TT: -> It bespeaks a deep self-hatred and a terror of intimacy, combined with a desperate, idealized yearning for emotional connection. <-
TT: -> No wonder you spend more time obsessing about imaginary characters than learning to interact with real trolls. <-
CG: TALK. NOW.
TT: -> *sigh* Very well. <-
TT: -> Vriska inherited, from her Ancestor, an artifact that permits contact with Those Beyond.
TT: -> Because they exist outside our universe, unmoored from the net of space and time that entangles us, they can see anything a supplicant might wish to learn. <-
TT: -> Their answers are normally impossible to discern unless one already has the skill to contact them without such mechanical crutches, but it can serve as a useful shortcut if an adept is in a hurry,
TT: -> which I presume is why it was created in the first place, though I have no idea how Vriska's Ancestor came to acquire it. <-
CG: GET TO THE POINT ALREADY.
TT: => I repeat my prior observation about foodblock utensils. <=
TT: -> The point is that Vriska's little quirk of eyesight allows her to bypass the intensive study normally required to make use of her pet talisman. <-
TT: -> Therefore, Aradia's hypothetical attempts to hide will be futile. <-
TT: -> In fact, all of our attempts to intervene may now be futile, given that Vriska can inquire about obstacles to her plan and learn of our various conversations. <-
CG: IN OTHER WORDS, WE'RE FUCKED.
TT: -> Succinctly, yes. <-
TT: -> At least if that's your only plan,
TT: -> which is why I intend to speak with Jothan about the talisman rather than waste time sending my pets on suicide missions. <-
TT: -> He may not want to play breakwater between Vriska and Aradia, but he does have some sense of fair play. <-
CG: FUCK THAT.
CG: YOUR ATEMPORAL SQUID GODS CAN KISS MY ASS, NONE OF OUR FRIENDS ARE DYING TONIGHT. NOT EVEN SPIDERBITCH.
CG: WORK YOUR VOODOO TO GUARD ARADIA. I DON'T CARE IF IT ONLY BUYS A MINUTE, THAT'S MORE THAN SHE'D HAVE OTHERWISE AND IT'S MORE TIME FOR US TO FIND A SOLUTION.
CG: IN FACT, LET'S GO ONE STEP FURTHER.
CG: LET'S GET TAVROS TO COMMUNE WITH YOUR FRANKENSQUID AND MAKE THEM FIGHT IN A VAGUELY ORGANIZED FASHION RATHER THAN FLAILING AROUND LIKE ASPHYXIATING FISH.
CG: I'LL DEAL WITH JOTHAN MYSELF.
TT: <- You? ->
TT: -> Pardon my tides of laughter. <-
CG: I TOLD YOU, TERROR'S NOT RELIABLE WHEN IT COMES TO HIM.
TT: <- Yet incandescent tirades of outrage somehow ARE? ->
TT: -> Goodness we do think highly of ourselves tonight. <-
CG: YES WE DO, BECAUSE WE ARE THE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY SEEMS TO GIVE A FLYING SHIT ABOUT FIXING THIS MESS INSTEAD OF COMING UP WITH REASONS TO PLAY MIND GAMES WHILE ARADIA DIES.
TT: <- Then why not stop bothering me and contact Tavros directly? ->
TT: -> I'm sure contact with atemporal, infinite thought processes will do absolutely no harm whatsoever to his thinkpan,
TT: -> to say nothing of the emotional turmoil he will certainly feel when attempting to strike at a friend under the mental control of a person for whom he holds extremely confused emotions
TT: -> and at whom he refused to strike even when she threw him off a cliff. <-
CG: IF YOU'RE THAT WORRIED, TALK TO HIM YOURSELF. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO TWIST YOUR MIND AROUND YOUR CREEPY WOEGOTHIC BROODFESTER NONSENSE.
CG: TEACH HIM HOW TO STAY SANE-ISH.
CG: MEANWHILE I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT
CG: WAIT, HANG ON.
CG: SOMEONE'S TROLLING ME.

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Who is trolling Karkat? And what should he do about it? (Hint: I am totally game for another inadvisable multi-person memo.)

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continue to part 18

I forgot how annoying Alonde's quirk is to type. Especially since I'd already put in the color codes so I couldn't just do a search-and-replace on all > and < symbols. I must remember to do that the other way around next time. First code the arrows, then code everything else.

Comments

[marici.livejournal.com]

I really like this log! Somehow, Karkat vs Rose is lighting up my brain. Maybe it's that Karkat and Rose have some of the same self-disliking self-awareness? I like Karkat's approach to John, that he wants to convince him to level the field rather than take sides. I think that will be a lot more effective than Jade's blunt orders. Perhaps Karkat could back it with a movie simile?

Who should be trolling Karkat? Can't be Aradia, Sollux, Rose, probably not Jade or John, and I'm not really interested in it being Terezi, Dave, or Kanaya. _Vriska_ trolling Karkat would be interesting, though I think those two aren't going to get along until Vriska grows enough of a calm center to deal with the way Karkat just sees through her. If Rose has improved Eridan enough that he's his sweet, magnificent douchebag self, I'd like to see him talk to Karkat. If he's more the sweet, pathetic douchebag from the original, I'd rather the squids horrorterrorize him some more. I assume Gamzee has no reason to sober up, but I'm afraid he's not that interesting when he's fuzzy and aimless. If it were Tavros and we got a memo where Rose is uncovering Karkat's guilt related to his maiming while they both try to convince him/give him tactical squid commanding advice, I'd be interested.

Incidentally, I love the hints of badass!Karkat in his summary dismissal of Rose's last squid. I know she probably sends them on a whim, but is she making a bid to compete with Jade for Karkat's black affections? (Based on this log... sorry, Jade, I'd be cheering for her.)

[edenfalling]

I will tell you flat-out that the person trolling Karkat is not Jarlia (and as you said, can't be Aradia or Sollux). Also unless somebody gives me a really convincing justification, it's not Equius either. Everyone else is potentially available.

Eridan is a little less narcissistic and screwed up than in canon, since he hasn't had another sweep of stewing in an unbalanced moirallegiance and has had several perigees of a volatile but overall functional ashen relationship (plus Alonde playing psychologist whenever she could get him to listen), but he's still pretty self-centered and grandiose, and tends to drive people up the wall in short order.

So you're voting for Tavros and secondarily for Eridan?

I am fairly sure that Karkat hates Alonde platonically, and she finds him amusing or annoying rather than someone she'd want as a rival. That could change! And they do come off a little flirty here, don't they? In fact, I bet Nepeta ships them -- and feels guilty about that, because of Jarlia, but it would be incredibly pawkward for best friends to be in hate and pity with the same troll, so really it's fur the best if Jarlia finds someone else and Karkitty ends up in spades with Alonde! :-)

[askerian]

uh, or you could have replaced "->" with "-≷". XD;;; Adding the - in would have kept it separate from most tags.


CG: STOP OBFUSCATING FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES AND JUST TELL ME WHAT THE GLOBE-FONDLING FUCK YOU MEAN.
TT: -> Your penchant for sexual and scatological wordplay never ceases to amuse me. <-
TT: -> It bespeaks a deep self-hatred and a terror of intimacy, combined with a desperate, idealized yearning for emotional connection. <-
TT: -> No wonder you spend more time obsessing about imaginary characters than learning to interact with real trolls. <-
Wow, ouch. XD She's a little meaner as a troll isn't she. And I'm seeing some stealth sea puns! XD

Anyway oh dear, I'm really starting to wonder how Aradia is going to get out of this. D:

Okay so who hasn't shown up yet. Nepeta? Equius? :X

[edenfalling]

...And this is why I should not html at 2 o'clock in the morning. *headdesk* Stupid, stupid, dumb.

I think almost everyone would be a little meaner as a troll -- the culture rewards that kind of behavior and either ignores or punishes altruism outside of quadrant relationships, so. :-/ (And yes, stealth sea puns! Or maybe not so much puns as just water-related vocabulary now and then when Alonde can pretend she's being unobtrusive.)

I can't think why Equius would be trolling Karkat, but Nepeta is definitely an option. Let's see, that makes one vote for her, one vote for Tavros, and a conditional vote for Eridan. *ponders half-spun plot threads*

[vehrec.livejournal.com]

Why do I get the feeling that Karkat was exaggerating how easy it was to deal with the squid? Just a thought...

You know, I really have no opinions about where this goes next! It's so exciting!

[edenfalling]

Why do I get the feeling that Karkat was exaggerating how easy it was to deal with the squid?

Because you have read his pesterlogs from early in Hivebent? *grin* I have no doubt he did kill the squiddleterror -- and very thoroughly, at that -- but I am equally certain he flailed around like a panicking idiot for quite a while before getting his hands on a weapon. (Crabdad may have helped, too, but aside from scribbled pictures on his fridge, there is no way in hell Karkat would ever admit anything of the sort.) And then he probably hyperventilated for half an hour because he was bleeding and what if Alonde could see through the squidbeast's eyes, oh shit. *bigger grin*

You know, I really have no opinions about where this goes next! It's so exciting!

Thanks! But... on the off chance you are willing to be a tiebreaker vote, who would you prefer to be trolling Karkat: Tavros, Eridan, or Nepeta?

[vehrec.livejournal.com]

Geez, way to put a penguin/hand puppet on the spot. Erridan is not my favorite here, and he can go looking for Moirailigance somwhere else. Tavros has gamzee standing over his shoulder potentially, and Nepeta has her flush-crush on Karkat. Given the choice though, I would have to say Nepeta making random cat-puns is better than Tavros actually making progress here, if only because of what it would do to Karkat's blood pressure.

[edenfalling]

Hee. :-D And also Nepeta is not immediately plot-relevant, which should make her interruption A) funnier and B) perhaps useful for laying groundwork for post-Vriska-and-Aradia-crisis developments. *steeples fingers, plots evilly*