The Smoke Shop Booklet, part 1
Aug. 23rd, 2012 12:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
edenfallingAt the smoke shop, we keep a series of small notebooks for recording the more bizarre things our customers say and do. We record clerk goofs, too -- we are equal opportunity mockers! I feel I should share some of them with you. *angelic smile*
(These incidents are from two books ago, so they are three to six years old. Many of these people are no longer regular customers, and DB, AD, and ET no longer work at the smoke shop. EC is me, FYI.)
---------------
1. What are we, psychic?
"I saw a magazine in an airport, but I don't know what the title is..."
And you think we do?
-----
"Where is the magazine that says what restaurants are open tomorrow?"
Unless you're in New York City, there is no such magazine. Sorry.
-----
"I'm looking for a book, but I don't know the author or the title..."
That's okay. We'll try charades!
-----
"I want three of the candies in the red box."
Which red box? There are at least ten.
-----
Bob: "How much is the magazine with the girl in her swimsuit? Hmmmm..."
We love you Bob, but a little more detail, please?
-----
"I'm looking for a magazine. I'm not sure if it even exists. I bought it here before."
There is a slight logical contradiction between your last two sentences.
---------------
2. Non-sequiturs
Clerk: "Do you want a bag?"
Customer: "Yes it is!"
-----
Clerk: "You are 18?"
Customer: "No, I'm French."
---------------
3. One-liners
Sang: "Die anytime, smoke now."
-----
MS talks to Charlie about a relationship dilemma. Charlie's advice: "Ask yourself this -- which one would you rather wake up at midnight and steal a duck with?"
-----
Keith: "I'm a great driver!" (He's blind.)
-----
"If you get the leather fragrance Yankee Candle, I can use them in my S&M bed and breakfast!"
-----
Dale: "When you don't have a right leg to stand on, thank god you've got the left leg!" *laughs*
-----
Mr. Zhangle Bills, talking about customers buying individual White Owl flavored cigars: "They don't like for flavor; they like for stuff it in!"
-----
"I'm a little biased, because I own a gas mask. I could show it to you sometime!"
-----
"Think like a squirrel, man, think like a squirrel. Hide your nuts for the winter!"
-----
"This is WAY different than Canada!"
-----
Ron-the-desperate-grad-student: "I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in the world who understands math at all."
Um, no. Just no.
-----
A lady wearing a hat with a 'human' logo, to MS: "You've been eating people again, haven't you?"
-----
"I gotta figure out what hole I put it in?"
Unintentional sexual innuendo for the win!
-----
EC: "If there is anyone I know who would turn out to be a six-foot-tall chicken, it would be Sang."
I swear that made more sense in my head. It's an "Animaniacs" reference, btw.
-----
"Giant teddy bear! Better than a man!"
-----
Scott the UPS guy, to AD: "Tipping is not a city in China."
-----
Sketchy Luke: "I'm from suburbia -- it's much different from here. Connecticut, you know? Where nothing ever happens? Here, you gotta watch out. Evil is always lurking."
-----
Bicycle Eric: "I don't have a mudflap for a reason!"
-----
"It's a whole new rainbow when you start naming your pets after fruits and vegetables."
-----
Norman: "I can't wear shoes. I got bunions. Like golf balls."
-----
"Let me get a nickel from my wife." The customer turns and calls across the store, "Roger?"
-----
Shawn from ¡Viva!: "Our food is fresh like a pimp's white tee."
---------------
4. Helen
Six people are standing in line at the counter, mostly for lottery tickets.
MS: "Does anyone NOT need the lotto machine?"
Helen: *holds up a winning instant ticket* "Me!"
MS: "NO!"
-----
Helen looks at her tickets with a confused expression and says, "Where is life?"
-----
Helen pokes around in her purse for a good 5 minutes before opening it wide, looking inside, and saying, "Where are you?"
-----
Helen spots a $20 bill in her purse and says, "I seeeee you!"
-----
Mr. Y jokes about winning $500 on a $20 instant ticket. (He actually lost.) Helen, standing beside him, asks, "April Froost?"
Mr. Y tries to clarify. "April Fools?"
"No!" says Helen. "Froost!"
-----
Helen: "Have anyone penny? Me no have change."
-----
Helen walks into the store on the first snowy day of winter and yells, "SNOW! Opa! Opa poo poo!"
---------------
5. Tubercular Baby Fart
TBF is an older white man who buys a particular type of pipe tobacco and believes all clerks are dying to listen to him lecture about obscure topics on which he holds generally un-PC opinions. These are some choice quotes from him.
During the 2008 Democratic presidential primary election: "If Mrs. Clinton by some mischance gets elected, we are going to have a situation here that makes the Civil War look like a tubercular baby fart."
-----
Repeatedly, over several years: "It's not like the Indians came running out of the woods screaming, 'Kimosabe! We need TB clinic!'"
-----
One afternoon he buys his tobacco, lectures a bit, and leaves. Two minutes later, he comes back in and announces, dramatically, "For your information, there is a car in the parking lot with a bumper sticker that reads, 'What if the hokey-pokey really IS what it's all about?'"
When EC and ET fail to be properly impressed by this -- it's not exactly an uncommon bumper sticker! -- TBF huffs, touchily, and leaves again.
---------------
6. Bizarre conversations
A conversation between two Greek women and DB:
Customers: "You closed yet?"
DB: "No, we're open 'til 9:00pm."
Customers: *blank looks* "What, no, we want lotto."
DB: *prints tickets and takes cash* "Thanks."
Customers: "Are you closed yet?"
DB: "No!"
Customers: "Okay, we look around." *immediately walk out the door*
-----
A woman walks all around the counter, looking at all the instant lottery tickets.
Customer: "Do you have any duck tickets?"
Clerk: "No, they're on order."
Customer: "Oh. Do you have any other scratchers?"
You just spent five minutes looking at all of them! *headdesk*
-----
Jimbo: "Where's PM at?"
EC: "A family event."
Jimbo: "That's nice."
EC: "That depends. It's not nice if it's a funeral."
Jimbo: "Unless it's that old uncle that likes to molest everyone."
AD and EC: *blink*
Jimbo: "I had an Aunt Sweetie once. She used to give me a nickel to sit on her lap. Then she would pat my bottom and say, 'You know your Aunt Sweetie loves you, now don't tell anyone.'"
AD and EC: *blink*
-----
Customer: "Momma left my wallet on the phone."
MS: "Your wallet is on the phone?"
Customer: "Oh... no, I gotta go."
-----
Customer: "Do you sell lottery tickets on Sunday?"
No, we don't, we just have the machine turned on for the hell of it. *headdesk*
-----
Customer: "Do you have a magazine for parkour?"
EC: "Parkour? What's that?"
Customer: "It's a fitness thing where you jump over buildings."
-----
AD: $4.20 is your change.
Customer: *overly dramatic* "What did you say? How much?"
AD: Four. Twenty.
Customer: *pulls out a metal bowl and a lighter and acts like he's going to smoke the money*
-----
Customer: "You sell TCAT bus passes, right?"
AD: "No, sorry!"
Customer: "I thought you did."
AD: "Nope!" *smiles*
Customer: "You DON'T sell TCAT bus passes?"
AD: "No. We don't."
Customer: *suddenly calm again* "Huh. I thought you did."
-----
A lesson in nuance:
AD: "Thank you!"
Customer: "No, thank you!"
AD: "No, thank you!"
Customer: "No, thank you!"
AD: "No, thank you!"
Customer: "NO, thank YOU!"
PM, passing by, mutters, "No thank you."
-----
Two conversations with Cassandra:
MS: "Oprah scares me."
Cassandra: "She's EVIL. She eats babies!"
A few days later...
Cassandra: "Oprah is still eating babies."
AD: *humoring her* "Does she cook them first?"
Cassandra: "NO. She just eats them like a mother woof [sic] eats the runt!"
-----
Tim: "I said I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in university, so I quit. I said I didn't want to smoke for the rest of my life."
MS: "So you quit?"
Tim: "There are cigarettes here. This is a big problem."
-----
Customer w/ no teeth: *buys the Post Standard* "Why no Daily News?"
EC: "It's sold out."
Customer: "But why no Daily News?"
EC: "It's sold out."
Customer: "But you can't wrap fish that you want to eat in the New York Post!"
-----
AD: "Are you tripping out on allergy medication?"
EC: "Sort of. I'm being assaulted by the sexual arousal of trees. It's extraordinarily rude. If they were human, I would sue!"
I completely and utterly blame the Benadryl for that one.
-----
A young white guy walks in carrying a giant package of toilet paper.
MS: "Nice toilet paper."
Guy: "Thanks. I went to a store to get a window fan, but they didn't have one, so I got this."
AD: *notices that the TP is called 'Windsoft'* "Did you get it because it has 'wind' in the name?"
Guy: "Nope, I got it because I have to drop a deuce." *smiles*
Later, after he's bought some stuff and is heading for the door:
AD: "Have a nice deuce!"
Guy: "You too!"
-----
MS: "Would you like matches?"
Customer: "Oh, yeah. I haven't put lighter in my fluid lately."
---------------
7. General oddity
A woman with stringy dark hair and a tendency for wearing very badly-fitting spaghetti-strap tank tops comes to the counter carrying some Christian pamphlets and asks for a carton of Newport 100s. She sounds like she's dying of throat cancer. PM sells her the cigarettes.
The woman asks for a bag. PM gives her one, and she puts her cigarettes in the bag. "Can I have another bag?" she asks. PM gives her a second bag and apparently a funny look, because the woman earnestly explains, "Oh, no, you can't put the cigarettes in with Jesus!" as she slides her pamphlets into the second bag.
-----
A woman comes to the counter and asks MS if she ever has problems "finding support." MS is confused. After a few gestures, it turns out the woman is asking about bra sizes!
The woman doesn't have enough money to pay for tobacco. She leaves. A few minutes later, she comes back with $5.00 and chooses a pouch of Three Castles rolling tobacco. MS informs her that this brand doesn't come with papers.
"Well," says the woman, "I told you to pick some out!" (She hadn't.) They go back and forth for a few minutes before MS can make sense of the woman's instructions and find the correct cigarette papers behind the counter. "She finally gets it!" the woman says, loudly.
Then she has a public breakdown about her dead mother, her conniving sister, Bette Middler, and bras, at the end of which she gives MS the address of her bra website.
-----
A large man in a professional suit and shoes suddenly starts dancing a jig to a Beatles song on the radio. Then he begins to sing along, pointing directly at AD as if serenading her.
-----
An elderly gentleman comes to the counter looking for a licorice flavored throat drop called 'Helps.' He bought some here about 30 years ago and wants to know if we still have them.
They'd be pretty stale after thirty years, don't you think?
-----
A weird, scuzzy woman buys a porn magazine, some Pez, and a pack of USA Gold cigarettes. She looks at MS and says, earnestly, "The Pez candy and this" -- gesturing at the porn mag -- "are for me!"
But not the cigarettes. She completely disclaims the cigarettes!
-----
A man comes in at night looking for a copy of USA Today. It's sold out; AD advises him to try another store. He says he needs the newspaper for a class, claims that his professor told him to buy it "here and only here," and grows angry when AD can't magically produce a paper from the ether.
He stalks out, yelling, "Well, I guess I'll just go into my class tomorrow and tell my professor that the people at [the smoke shop] screwed me over!"
-----
Winter: EC greets Lynn on the street while returning from break. Lynn doesn't respond. A few minutes later, Lynn spots EC at the counter and says, "I'm sorry for not recognizing you with all your clothes on!"
The other clerks crack up.
(The really funny part is that a week prior to this, Lynn had asked EC to model for her art classes... and most of the modeling sessions are nude!)
-----
A man with an awesome Scottish accent buys a small cup of coffee. MS rings him up for a large cup, then flubs the void so the register thinks she owes him money. She tries to fix it a second time but accidentally compounds the problem. The man laughs and says, "Jaysus Christ! Yer indebtedness is increasing by the second! Now yeh owe me $2.60 -- what have yeh done?"
(EC, on the other register, cracks up and then fixes the problem.)
-----
A man buys a Playboy calendar. Then he turns to the coffee counter and picks up three non-dairy creamers. He doesn't get coffee, nor does he offer to pay. He just stares MS in the eye, says, "Creamers," and walks out.
-----
A customer notices our hot cashew dispenser and begins to sing to AD:
"Hot nuts, you get them from the peanut man!
"Hot nuts, you get them anywhere you can!
"You see that girl there in the pink?
"She really made my fingers stink.
"HOT NUTS!"
AD is speechless.
-----
A customer explains to AD that he moved and his subscription to Lost Treasure magazine hasn't caught up to him yet, which is why he's buying a copy from us. He winds up his spiel by saying, "I ought to call them and tell them what a piece of SHIT they are!" and walks out.
-----
A spacey woman who talks like Phoebe from Friends, wearing sunglasses and a bandana, buys two packs of American Spirits from AD and says, "I'm so lucky because I have extra cigarettes and extra matches and this receipt!"
She then holds up her hand in a peace sign and says, "I got nicotine-stained fingers! What does Bono say? 'I need you like nicotine and black coffee'?" She looks at AD for confirmation; AD just smiles and shrugs.
The woman exclaims, "Starbucks coffee is HOT!" and walks out of the store.
-----
MS can't resist asking a customer buying a corncob pipe if he also needs a button nose. The customer is not amused.
-----
An older woman sneezes on Bicycle Eric's just-purchased cup of coffee. She doesn't cover her nose or apologize at all. Eric asks JM if he can have a replacement cup for free; JM agrees. During this conversation, the woman continues failing to acknowledge her faux pas, pays, smiles, and leaves. Despite getting uncontaminated coffee, Eric expresses concern about the effect her "effluvia" may have on him.
JM manages not to laugh until he leaves.
-----
A woman walks all around the store, looking at all our magazines, candles, tobacco products, candy, and snacks. Then she smiles at MS and says, "Hi! I was looking for something to fill me, but I guess I'll get lunch instead."
---------------
8. Inappropriate behavior
Cathy comes in to play scratch-off lottery tickets and lets her son, Nico, run around unsupervised as usual. He tugs at her leg several times, trying to get her attention, and then decides to strip naked. He flings himself on the floor as if making snow angels, then gets up and runs around the counter several times, crashing into a very startled man. Then he climbs up on the radiator and pees into the ashtray.
AO refuses to sell Cathy any more tickets until she gets Nico under control.
Cathy doesn't so much as apologize. She is now banned from the store.
-----
An elderly Italian man, probably mentally challenged, stands in the tobacco room and pees down his trouser leg onto the floor as he examines cigars. He doesn't even notice. He is now banned from the store.
-----
Mr. Y asks JM if she likes to be tied up. Heh heh heh. The next day he asks JM if she's a muff diver. Heh heh heh.
PM tells him to stop it or she'll have him banned.
A couple months later, EC has a cold and coughs several times while printing Mr. Y's lottery tickets. "Got a little rat's penis in your throat?" he asks. Heh heh heh. The next day, when PM asks him what he thought he was doing he says, "She only wishes I said that."
As if!
---------------
I may kidnap the second book and type up its contents this weekend. (This was all from book one. We are currently on book three.)
(These incidents are from two books ago, so they are three to six years old. Many of these people are no longer regular customers, and DB, AD, and ET no longer work at the smoke shop. EC is me, FYI.)
---------------
1. What are we, psychic?
"I saw a magazine in an airport, but I don't know what the title is..."
And you think we do?
-----
"Where is the magazine that says what restaurants are open tomorrow?"
Unless you're in New York City, there is no such magazine. Sorry.
-----
"I'm looking for a book, but I don't know the author or the title..."
That's okay. We'll try charades!
-----
"I want three of the candies in the red box."
Which red box? There are at least ten.
-----
Bob: "How much is the magazine with the girl in her swimsuit? Hmmmm..."
We love you Bob, but a little more detail, please?
-----
"I'm looking for a magazine. I'm not sure if it even exists. I bought it here before."
There is a slight logical contradiction between your last two sentences.
---------------
2. Non-sequiturs
Clerk: "Do you want a bag?"
Customer: "Yes it is!"
-----
Clerk: "You are 18?"
Customer: "No, I'm French."
---------------
3. One-liners
Sang: "Die anytime, smoke now."
-----
MS talks to Charlie about a relationship dilemma. Charlie's advice: "Ask yourself this -- which one would you rather wake up at midnight and steal a duck with?"
-----
Keith: "I'm a great driver!" (He's blind.)
-----
"If you get the leather fragrance Yankee Candle, I can use them in my S&M bed and breakfast!"
-----
Dale: "When you don't have a right leg to stand on, thank god you've got the left leg!" *laughs*
-----
Mr. Zhangle Bills, talking about customers buying individual White Owl flavored cigars: "They don't like for flavor; they like for stuff it in!"
-----
"I'm a little biased, because I own a gas mask. I could show it to you sometime!"
-----
"Think like a squirrel, man, think like a squirrel. Hide your nuts for the winter!"
-----
"This is WAY different than Canada!"
-----
Ron-the-desperate-grad-student: "I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in the world who understands math at all."
Um, no. Just no.
-----
A lady wearing a hat with a 'human' logo, to MS: "You've been eating people again, haven't you?"
-----
"I gotta figure out what hole I put it in?"
Unintentional sexual innuendo for the win!
-----
EC: "If there is anyone I know who would turn out to be a six-foot-tall chicken, it would be Sang."
I swear that made more sense in my head. It's an "Animaniacs" reference, btw.
-----
"Giant teddy bear! Better than a man!"
-----
Scott the UPS guy, to AD: "Tipping is not a city in China."
-----
Sketchy Luke: "I'm from suburbia -- it's much different from here. Connecticut, you know? Where nothing ever happens? Here, you gotta watch out. Evil is always lurking."
-----
Bicycle Eric: "I don't have a mudflap for a reason!"
-----
"It's a whole new rainbow when you start naming your pets after fruits and vegetables."
-----
Norman: "I can't wear shoes. I got bunions. Like golf balls."
-----
"Let me get a nickel from my wife." The customer turns and calls across the store, "Roger?"
-----
Shawn from ¡Viva!: "Our food is fresh like a pimp's white tee."
---------------
4. Helen
Six people are standing in line at the counter, mostly for lottery tickets.
MS: "Does anyone NOT need the lotto machine?"
Helen: *holds up a winning instant ticket* "Me!"
MS: "NO!"
-----
Helen looks at her tickets with a confused expression and says, "Where is life?"
-----
Helen pokes around in her purse for a good 5 minutes before opening it wide, looking inside, and saying, "Where are you?"
-----
Helen spots a $20 bill in her purse and says, "I seeeee you!"
-----
Mr. Y jokes about winning $500 on a $20 instant ticket. (He actually lost.) Helen, standing beside him, asks, "April Froost?"
Mr. Y tries to clarify. "April Fools?"
"No!" says Helen. "Froost!"
-----
Helen: "Have anyone penny? Me no have change."
-----
Helen walks into the store on the first snowy day of winter and yells, "SNOW! Opa! Opa poo poo!"
---------------
5. Tubercular Baby Fart
TBF is an older white man who buys a particular type of pipe tobacco and believes all clerks are dying to listen to him lecture about obscure topics on which he holds generally un-PC opinions. These are some choice quotes from him.
During the 2008 Democratic presidential primary election: "If Mrs. Clinton by some mischance gets elected, we are going to have a situation here that makes the Civil War look like a tubercular baby fart."
-----
Repeatedly, over several years: "It's not like the Indians came running out of the woods screaming, 'Kimosabe! We need TB clinic!'"
-----
One afternoon he buys his tobacco, lectures a bit, and leaves. Two minutes later, he comes back in and announces, dramatically, "For your information, there is a car in the parking lot with a bumper sticker that reads, 'What if the hokey-pokey really IS what it's all about?'"
When EC and ET fail to be properly impressed by this -- it's not exactly an uncommon bumper sticker! -- TBF huffs, touchily, and leaves again.
---------------
6. Bizarre conversations
A conversation between two Greek women and DB:
Customers: "You closed yet?"
DB: "No, we're open 'til 9:00pm."
Customers: *blank looks* "What, no, we want lotto."
DB: *prints tickets and takes cash* "Thanks."
Customers: "Are you closed yet?"
DB: "No!"
Customers: "Okay, we look around." *immediately walk out the door*
-----
A woman walks all around the counter, looking at all the instant lottery tickets.
Customer: "Do you have any duck tickets?"
Clerk: "No, they're on order."
Customer: "Oh. Do you have any other scratchers?"
You just spent five minutes looking at all of them! *headdesk*
-----
Jimbo: "Where's PM at?"
EC: "A family event."
Jimbo: "That's nice."
EC: "That depends. It's not nice if it's a funeral."
Jimbo: "Unless it's that old uncle that likes to molest everyone."
AD and EC: *blink*
Jimbo: "I had an Aunt Sweetie once. She used to give me a nickel to sit on her lap. Then she would pat my bottom and say, 'You know your Aunt Sweetie loves you, now don't tell anyone.'"
AD and EC: *blink*
-----
Customer: "Momma left my wallet on the phone."
MS: "Your wallet is on the phone?"
Customer: "Oh... no, I gotta go."
-----
Customer: "Do you sell lottery tickets on Sunday?"
No, we don't, we just have the machine turned on for the hell of it. *headdesk*
-----
Customer: "Do you have a magazine for parkour?"
EC: "Parkour? What's that?"
Customer: "It's a fitness thing where you jump over buildings."
-----
AD: $4.20 is your change.
Customer: *overly dramatic* "What did you say? How much?"
AD: Four. Twenty.
Customer: *pulls out a metal bowl and a lighter and acts like he's going to smoke the money*
-----
Customer: "You sell TCAT bus passes, right?"
AD: "No, sorry!"
Customer: "I thought you did."
AD: "Nope!" *smiles*
Customer: "You DON'T sell TCAT bus passes?"
AD: "No. We don't."
Customer: *suddenly calm again* "Huh. I thought you did."
-----
A lesson in nuance:
AD: "Thank you!"
Customer: "No, thank you!"
AD: "No, thank you!"
Customer: "No, thank you!"
AD: "No, thank you!"
Customer: "NO, thank YOU!"
PM, passing by, mutters, "No thank you."
-----
Two conversations with Cassandra:
MS: "Oprah scares me."
Cassandra: "She's EVIL. She eats babies!"
A few days later...
Cassandra: "Oprah is still eating babies."
AD: *humoring her* "Does she cook them first?"
Cassandra: "NO. She just eats them like a mother woof [sic] eats the runt!"
-----
Tim: "I said I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in university, so I quit. I said I didn't want to smoke for the rest of my life."
MS: "So you quit?"
Tim: "There are cigarettes here. This is a big problem."
-----
Customer w/ no teeth: *buys the Post Standard* "Why no Daily News?"
EC: "It's sold out."
Customer: "But why no Daily News?"
EC: "It's sold out."
Customer: "But you can't wrap fish that you want to eat in the New York Post!"
-----
AD: "Are you tripping out on allergy medication?"
EC: "Sort of. I'm being assaulted by the sexual arousal of trees. It's extraordinarily rude. If they were human, I would sue!"
I completely and utterly blame the Benadryl for that one.
-----
A young white guy walks in carrying a giant package of toilet paper.
MS: "Nice toilet paper."
Guy: "Thanks. I went to a store to get a window fan, but they didn't have one, so I got this."
AD: *notices that the TP is called 'Windsoft'* "Did you get it because it has 'wind' in the name?"
Guy: "Nope, I got it because I have to drop a deuce." *smiles*
Later, after he's bought some stuff and is heading for the door:
AD: "Have a nice deuce!"
Guy: "You too!"
-----
MS: "Would you like matches?"
Customer: "Oh, yeah. I haven't put lighter in my fluid lately."
---------------
7. General oddity
A woman with stringy dark hair and a tendency for wearing very badly-fitting spaghetti-strap tank tops comes to the counter carrying some Christian pamphlets and asks for a carton of Newport 100s. She sounds like she's dying of throat cancer. PM sells her the cigarettes.
The woman asks for a bag. PM gives her one, and she puts her cigarettes in the bag. "Can I have another bag?" she asks. PM gives her a second bag and apparently a funny look, because the woman earnestly explains, "Oh, no, you can't put the cigarettes in with Jesus!" as she slides her pamphlets into the second bag.
-----
A woman comes to the counter and asks MS if she ever has problems "finding support." MS is confused. After a few gestures, it turns out the woman is asking about bra sizes!
The woman doesn't have enough money to pay for tobacco. She leaves. A few minutes later, she comes back with $5.00 and chooses a pouch of Three Castles rolling tobacco. MS informs her that this brand doesn't come with papers.
"Well," says the woman, "I told you to pick some out!" (She hadn't.) They go back and forth for a few minutes before MS can make sense of the woman's instructions and find the correct cigarette papers behind the counter. "She finally gets it!" the woman says, loudly.
Then she has a public breakdown about her dead mother, her conniving sister, Bette Middler, and bras, at the end of which she gives MS the address of her bra website.
-----
A large man in a professional suit and shoes suddenly starts dancing a jig to a Beatles song on the radio. Then he begins to sing along, pointing directly at AD as if serenading her.
-----
An elderly gentleman comes to the counter looking for a licorice flavored throat drop called 'Helps.' He bought some here about 30 years ago and wants to know if we still have them.
They'd be pretty stale after thirty years, don't you think?
-----
A weird, scuzzy woman buys a porn magazine, some Pez, and a pack of USA Gold cigarettes. She looks at MS and says, earnestly, "The Pez candy and this" -- gesturing at the porn mag -- "are for me!"
But not the cigarettes. She completely disclaims the cigarettes!
-----
A man comes in at night looking for a copy of USA Today. It's sold out; AD advises him to try another store. He says he needs the newspaper for a class, claims that his professor told him to buy it "here and only here," and grows angry when AD can't magically produce a paper from the ether.
He stalks out, yelling, "Well, I guess I'll just go into my class tomorrow and tell my professor that the people at [the smoke shop] screwed me over!"
-----
Winter: EC greets Lynn on the street while returning from break. Lynn doesn't respond. A few minutes later, Lynn spots EC at the counter and says, "I'm sorry for not recognizing you with all your clothes on!"
The other clerks crack up.
(The really funny part is that a week prior to this, Lynn had asked EC to model for her art classes... and most of the modeling sessions are nude!)
-----
A man with an awesome Scottish accent buys a small cup of coffee. MS rings him up for a large cup, then flubs the void so the register thinks she owes him money. She tries to fix it a second time but accidentally compounds the problem. The man laughs and says, "Jaysus Christ! Yer indebtedness is increasing by the second! Now yeh owe me $2.60 -- what have yeh done?"
(EC, on the other register, cracks up and then fixes the problem.)
-----
A man buys a Playboy calendar. Then he turns to the coffee counter and picks up three non-dairy creamers. He doesn't get coffee, nor does he offer to pay. He just stares MS in the eye, says, "Creamers," and walks out.
-----
A customer notices our hot cashew dispenser and begins to sing to AD:
"Hot nuts, you get them from the peanut man!
"Hot nuts, you get them anywhere you can!
"You see that girl there in the pink?
"She really made my fingers stink.
"HOT NUTS!"
AD is speechless.
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A customer explains to AD that he moved and his subscription to Lost Treasure magazine hasn't caught up to him yet, which is why he's buying a copy from us. He winds up his spiel by saying, "I ought to call them and tell them what a piece of SHIT they are!" and walks out.
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A spacey woman who talks like Phoebe from Friends, wearing sunglasses and a bandana, buys two packs of American Spirits from AD and says, "I'm so lucky because I have extra cigarettes and extra matches and this receipt!"
She then holds up her hand in a peace sign and says, "I got nicotine-stained fingers! What does Bono say? 'I need you like nicotine and black coffee'?" She looks at AD for confirmation; AD just smiles and shrugs.
The woman exclaims, "Starbucks coffee is HOT!" and walks out of the store.
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MS can't resist asking a customer buying a corncob pipe if he also needs a button nose. The customer is not amused.
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An older woman sneezes on Bicycle Eric's just-purchased cup of coffee. She doesn't cover her nose or apologize at all. Eric asks JM if he can have a replacement cup for free; JM agrees. During this conversation, the woman continues failing to acknowledge her faux pas, pays, smiles, and leaves. Despite getting uncontaminated coffee, Eric expresses concern about the effect her "effluvia" may have on him.
JM manages not to laugh until he leaves.
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A woman walks all around the store, looking at all our magazines, candles, tobacco products, candy, and snacks. Then she smiles at MS and says, "Hi! I was looking for something to fill me, but I guess I'll get lunch instead."
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8. Inappropriate behavior
Cathy comes in to play scratch-off lottery tickets and lets her son, Nico, run around unsupervised as usual. He tugs at her leg several times, trying to get her attention, and then decides to strip naked. He flings himself on the floor as if making snow angels, then gets up and runs around the counter several times, crashing into a very startled man. Then he climbs up on the radiator and pees into the ashtray.
AO refuses to sell Cathy any more tickets until she gets Nico under control.
Cathy doesn't so much as apologize. She is now banned from the store.
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An elderly Italian man, probably mentally challenged, stands in the tobacco room and pees down his trouser leg onto the floor as he examines cigars. He doesn't even notice. He is now banned from the store.
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Mr. Y asks JM if she likes to be tied up. Heh heh heh. The next day he asks JM if she's a muff diver. Heh heh heh.
PM tells him to stop it or she'll have him banned.
A couple months later, EC has a cold and coughs several times while printing Mr. Y's lottery tickets. "Got a little rat's penis in your throat?" he asks. Heh heh heh. The next day, when PM asks him what he thought he was doing he says, "She only wishes I said that."
As if!
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I may kidnap the second book and type up its contents this weekend. (This was all from book one. We are currently on book three.)
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-23 11:14 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-24 02:02 am (UTC)I actually don't mind having a public-facing job, because I am terrible at human interaction in my free time. If I didn't have a job that forced me to deal with people, I would get no face-to-face human contact at all, which is VERY BAD for my mental/emotional health. I admit I could do with less random weirdness off the street, but you can't win them all.