wherein Liz's brain chemistry fucks off to Siberia, as it is wont to do upon occasion

[edenfalling]

So I woke up this morning and realized that oh, hey, utter lack of creative output for a week, plus obsessive binge reading, plus sleep schedule sliding inexorably toward seeing sunrise from the wrong side, plus a pervasive feeling that everything is pointless and gray, plus going eight hours at a stretch without eating and -- key point -- without noticing I wasn't eating, because I didn't feel hungry equals hello depression, my old friend, why the hell do you keep coming around when you know I hate you?

Ugh.

At least I have spotted the problem now. It's not like naming the beast miraculously makes it go away, but... to make a bad metaphor, now instead of running headfirst into a massive roadblock every time I try to get something done, I can say, "But wait, there is a roadblock in my way!" and allow extra time, or build a ramp, or divert around it, or whatever. (Like I said, a bad metaphor.)

And it will pass in another week or two. (Maybe three if it's a bad episode.) That's the flip side of periodicity -- the depression always comes back, but then it always goes away again. And I am so incredibly glad it does. I don't even want to contemplate dealing with this on a more permanent basis.

Comments

[rthstewart]

Ugh. I'm sorry. It sucks. I"m so glad you are astute to realize what is going on and able to self-care. Take CARE of yourself, OK?

[edenfalling]

Well, I've been dealing with this for, what, nearly fifteen years now? (Twelve for sure -- I mean, I discovered fanfiction almost exactly twelve years ago because I was in the middle of a depressive episode -- and I suspect the pattern started in high school, but my family forcibly hauled me through the bad weeks so I failed to notice at the time.) It would be sad if I couldn't spot the signs by now. *wry* Even so, I still usually miss the slide itself and only notice when I'm close to hitting the bottom of the well and/or am already down there.

Mostly what my depression is like is, well, let me borrow somebody else's metaphor. Imagine you want to go somewhere in your car. Maybe the grocery store, maybe a movie theater, whatever. And you sit down, turn the key... and the car won't start. It's not that you don't want to drive to your destination. It's just that the starter is broken. Similarly, the connection in my brain between desire/intention and action is badly frayed right now, so it takes a lot more willpower to get even the simple, basic things done. Which basically means I put everything big/creative/challenging on hold for a couple weeks, and spend all my energy on remembering to eat and sleep and other necessities of life, plus making sure I get to work and do a reasonable job once there.

So yeah, I will be taking care of myself. :-) Thank you for your sympathy!

[rthstewart]

I love your car analogy. that's a very good one. The worst part about it is that that helplessness is actually part of the disease. The things you could do that might help you feel better, the disease tells you won't work/are impossible/you'll do it later/never.

Ugh. Good luck. Keep us posted. Do what works for you.

[branchandroot]

Urgh, oh not fun at all. *pets you* Hopefully you'll be able to hitch a ride, as it were, to the things that really need to get done. And, I dunno, eat grapes or other easy food; stocking up on easy food is a good thing during times like these.

...I should put grapes on the grocery list.

[edenfalling]

Yeah, I just kind of hunker down and slog through -- ruthless prioritization is the name of the game for a while. At least I still have a lot of that weird chicken soup I made, since I froze half the batch. It's hard to get easier than reheated chicken soup and a steak roll.

(Alas, grapes fall into the "allergic to raw fruit, cannot eat" category. Which is a pity. I quite liked green grapes back when I could eat them.)

[eos_joy]

That, my dear, is a surprisingly wonderful way to look at it. That's a great perspective and good for you for being optimistic and for catching the issue before it became an issue. *hugs and high fives*

Hope this passes quickly and you're feeling well again soon! Sending you all the good vibes! ^^

[edenfalling]

It will pass in a few weeks; that's the pattern. Two to four times a year -- with no correlation to weather, sunlight, or any outside stimuli anyone has ever been able to identify -- my brain drops me down a hole and it takes a few weeks before management gets around to installing a ladder so I can climb out. *wry* But it's a lot easier to get through when I'm aware that I'm in a hole, and also when I know that the hole is caused by stupid chemical imbalances and not by me being an inherently horrible failure of a person (which is how I used to interpret these episodes, back in the day, ugh).

Thank you for the kind wishes. :-)

[askerian]

ugh. :( hang in theeerrrre *offers hugs & good thoughts?*

[edenfalling]

Thank you! I am doing my best. :-)

[cherokee1.livejournal.com]

Oh, that is not fun. There was a little jolt upon reading your logical analysis of the problem.
I have periodic depression as well, but I never realize I am in one until there is no light because the well is so deep.
If I could learn to pay attention, maybe it would not last as long.
I empathize with you, and congratulate you upon diagnosing and taking hold of your recovery process.
Good energy your way
C

[edenfalling]

Often I don't notice until I've hit bottom, but sometimes I realize partway through the downward slide. It doesn't stop the depression, of course -- that's brain chemistry and there's nothing I can do about that but wait it out -- but it's useful to have a clear view of the problem instead of blundering around wondering why normal things suddenly seem impossibly out of reach. :-/

Thank you, and I wish good energy your way too.