conversations with my sister
Sep. 8th, 2016 03:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
edenfallingLiz: Today's goal: work :)
Vicky: Haha good goal :P my goals are packing for [place], run, and outlining my freebie epilogue to be written on the plane tmrw!
Liz: Go you!
Vicky: I really like this texting of goals thing! I feel like it helps me clarify and also boil each day down to reasonable size
Liz: Yes! My to-do lists can seem overwhelming, so it's really helpful to say, "What is REALLY the important part here?" and plan accordingly
...
Liz: Success! :D
Liz: How has your day been?
Vicky: Yay! Good for you!
Vicky: I kinda fell into a hole. Feeling sick to my stomach, tired, and just blah. Whatever. I'll pack and we'll take it from there
Liz: :( *hugs*
Liz: Some days are like that. I hope you feel better tomorrow
Vicky: Thanks :)
Liz: Vitamin C and ecchinacea, right? /channels Mom
Vicky: Haha
Vicky: This is probably crazy but I've just been feeling SAD since, like, 5. Just plunged into it. It's so weird bc there's no good reason for it
Vicky: Nothing bad happened or is happening. I've just been feeling gross and acidy in my stomach. So my current theory is my gut bacteria are messed up and I need to eat yogurt to fix it
Liz: Brain chemistry is WEIRD, isn't it? The dumbest, most random things can knock it so wildly out of kilter
Liz: Good luck with the yogurt
Vicky: It's so strange! I feel like the intense sadness is finally ebbing a bit. Would be nice if it left as quickly as it came. But yeah. The brain is fucking weird
Vicky: Out of curiosity, do you struggle much with anxiety? I've always thought of us as sort of dividing and conquering the mood disorders but depression and anxiety do often go hand in hand...
Vicky: Also... Forgot to ask: How was Day 2??
Liz: Day 2 was good. I am learning more of the tacit unwritten stuff, and also this was the first day of apartment tours, which is both crazy and fascinating
Liz: College town student rental markets are amazingly weird from a sociological standpoint (also game theory, I think)
Vicky: Oooh that sounds like it could be rife with intrigue!
Liz: Anyway, I don't think of myself as a particularly anxious person, but I've never been in anyone else's head/body so what do I know
Liz: I do have trouble sleeping the night before any big change, and I get situationally panicky about some stuff, which I deal with by catastrophizing ad absurdum and letting it go. Those five minutes of indulged panic are vital, though
Vicky: True!
Vicky: Though my gut reaction was, "Ha! You'd know."
Liz: I treat anxiety a lot like anger, actually. Same acknowledge-and-release technique, because if I don't let go, they're poisonous
Vicky: Yeah, uncontrolled catastrophizing isn't helpful. But sometimes pointed, purposeful, "what's the worst that could happen - ok, well then I'll deal if that happens" can work for me. Too often, though, everything leads back to "homeless, on the streets"
Liz: I tend to go straight for spontaneous combustion, because my goal isn't management (aka, 'how would I deal with that?') but release/purging, and laughter is good that way
Vicky: That's way healthy! And impressive!
Liz: Which I guess means I am not a very anxious person, since I view anxiety/panic as an abberation that CAN be released rather than a chronic thing that must be managed
Liz: Depression, though, that I manage. One might even say I garden it. The goal is a bonsai rather than an impassable wall of thorns... but you can't uproot the plant altogether
Vicky: Dude. Good metaphor!!!!!
Liz: It's an adaptation of somebody else's metaphor about a pet that grows into a monster if you pretend it's not there
Liz: I just like plants better :)
...
Vicky: Sorry, didn't respond in greater depth earlier because... I was jiggity around my apartment! Bc I am weird, but I decided I was going to make myself exercise, dammit, and im glad I did
Vicky: Ha, jiggity = jogging, stupid autocorrect
Liz: Autocorrect has very strange ideas about English grammar :)
Vicky: The plant and/or pet metaphor reminds me of The Babadook. And also really resonates. I think it emphasizes both 1) this isn't a thing you can get rid of entirely, 2) active management is critical
Vicky: I'm always going to be prone to more extreme anxiety than most ppl but actually realizing that means I don't have to feel like a failure the next time it flares up
...
Liz: Today's goals: 1, buy a new laptop power cord. 2, [Not the IRS] onboarding process
Liz: And yeah, if a certain brainglitch is a chronic thing, it's going to flare up sometimes ~just because~
Liz: And guilt/blame just feed it. Better to say, "Oh, this again," and set to work with the pruning shears
Vicky: I think the tricky thing about it is that the things anxiety makes me want to do seem so smart but are actually only going to feed it, like ruminating and trying to control things even more
Vicky: They seem like solutions but they're actually symptoms bc anxiety is a sneaky bastard
Vicky: Also, good goals. Mine is to get some writing done on the plane!
Liz: I wish you a smooth and uncomplicated flight!
---------------
I really, really appreciate having a sister, you know? We fought like cats and dogs until, hmm, roughly her freshman year of high school. But we have also always been each other's best friend. Neither of us is great at maintaining regular contact over distance, though, which is another reason I like this new habit of texting our daily goals to each other. It opens up a space for other communication as well. :)
(Transcription note: I have obviously edited the above conversation a little -- redacted two things for privacy, fixed finger-slip typos, rearranged a couple messages that got delayed in transmission -- but I left capitalization, punctuation, and my own misspellings alone.)
Vicky: Haha good goal :P my goals are packing for [place], run, and outlining my freebie epilogue to be written on the plane tmrw!
Liz: Go you!
Vicky: I really like this texting of goals thing! I feel like it helps me clarify and also boil each day down to reasonable size
Liz: Yes! My to-do lists can seem overwhelming, so it's really helpful to say, "What is REALLY the important part here?" and plan accordingly
...
Liz: Success! :D
Liz: How has your day been?
Vicky: Yay! Good for you!
Vicky: I kinda fell into a hole. Feeling sick to my stomach, tired, and just blah. Whatever. I'll pack and we'll take it from there
Liz: :( *hugs*
Liz: Some days are like that. I hope you feel better tomorrow
Vicky: Thanks :)
Liz: Vitamin C and ecchinacea, right? /channels Mom
Vicky: Haha
Vicky: This is probably crazy but I've just been feeling SAD since, like, 5. Just plunged into it. It's so weird bc there's no good reason for it
Vicky: Nothing bad happened or is happening. I've just been feeling gross and acidy in my stomach. So my current theory is my gut bacteria are messed up and I need to eat yogurt to fix it
Liz: Brain chemistry is WEIRD, isn't it? The dumbest, most random things can knock it so wildly out of kilter
Liz: Good luck with the yogurt
Vicky: It's so strange! I feel like the intense sadness is finally ebbing a bit. Would be nice if it left as quickly as it came. But yeah. The brain is fucking weird
Vicky: Out of curiosity, do you struggle much with anxiety? I've always thought of us as sort of dividing and conquering the mood disorders but depression and anxiety do often go hand in hand...
Vicky: Also... Forgot to ask: How was Day 2??
Liz: Day 2 was good. I am learning more of the tacit unwritten stuff, and also this was the first day of apartment tours, which is both crazy and fascinating
Liz: College town student rental markets are amazingly weird from a sociological standpoint (also game theory, I think)
Vicky: Oooh that sounds like it could be rife with intrigue!
Liz: Anyway, I don't think of myself as a particularly anxious person, but I've never been in anyone else's head/body so what do I know
Liz: I do have trouble sleeping the night before any big change, and I get situationally panicky about some stuff, which I deal with by catastrophizing ad absurdum and letting it go. Those five minutes of indulged panic are vital, though
Vicky: True!
Vicky: Though my gut reaction was, "Ha! You'd know."
Liz: I treat anxiety a lot like anger, actually. Same acknowledge-and-release technique, because if I don't let go, they're poisonous
Vicky: Yeah, uncontrolled catastrophizing isn't helpful. But sometimes pointed, purposeful, "what's the worst that could happen - ok, well then I'll deal if that happens" can work for me. Too often, though, everything leads back to "homeless, on the streets"
Liz: I tend to go straight for spontaneous combustion, because my goal isn't management (aka, 'how would I deal with that?') but release/purging, and laughter is good that way
Vicky: That's way healthy! And impressive!
Liz: Which I guess means I am not a very anxious person, since I view anxiety/panic as an abberation that CAN be released rather than a chronic thing that must be managed
Liz: Depression, though, that I manage. One might even say I garden it. The goal is a bonsai rather than an impassable wall of thorns... but you can't uproot the plant altogether
Vicky: Dude. Good metaphor!!!!!
Liz: It's an adaptation of somebody else's metaphor about a pet that grows into a monster if you pretend it's not there
Liz: I just like plants better :)
...
Vicky: Sorry, didn't respond in greater depth earlier because... I was jiggity around my apartment! Bc I am weird, but I decided I was going to make myself exercise, dammit, and im glad I did
Vicky: Ha, jiggity = jogging, stupid autocorrect
Liz: Autocorrect has very strange ideas about English grammar :)
Vicky: The plant and/or pet metaphor reminds me of The Babadook. And also really resonates. I think it emphasizes both 1) this isn't a thing you can get rid of entirely, 2) active management is critical
Vicky: I'm always going to be prone to more extreme anxiety than most ppl but actually realizing that means I don't have to feel like a failure the next time it flares up
...
Liz: Today's goals: 1, buy a new laptop power cord. 2, [Not the IRS] onboarding process
Liz: And yeah, if a certain brainglitch is a chronic thing, it's going to flare up sometimes ~just because~
Liz: And guilt/blame just feed it. Better to say, "Oh, this again," and set to work with the pruning shears
Vicky: I think the tricky thing about it is that the things anxiety makes me want to do seem so smart but are actually only going to feed it, like ruminating and trying to control things even more
Vicky: They seem like solutions but they're actually symptoms bc anxiety is a sneaky bastard
Vicky: Also, good goals. Mine is to get some writing done on the plane!
Liz: I wish you a smooth and uncomplicated flight!
---------------
I really, really appreciate having a sister, you know? We fought like cats and dogs until, hmm, roughly her freshman year of high school. But we have also always been each other's best friend. Neither of us is great at maintaining regular contact over distance, though, which is another reason I like this new habit of texting our daily goals to each other. It opens up a space for other communication as well. :)
(Transcription note: I have obviously edited the above conversation a little -- redacted two things for privacy, fixed finger-slip typos, rearranged a couple messages that got delayed in transmission -- but I left capitalization, punctuation, and my own misspellings alone.)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2016-09-11 04:00 am (UTC)Oh, how so? ETA: Never mind, I just saw your earlier entry!
I'm a little bit more like your sister in dealing with anxiety, I think, in that I have to think what's the worst that could realistically happen?, figure out what I do, and then try to calm myself down from there.
I'm glad to hear you're getting into the rhythm of things at your job!
(no subject)
Date: 2016-09-11 11:57 pm (UTC)Yeah, the weirdness is mostly because it's a very restricted market in both space and time, and also because the clients are so very new at the whole thing and need a bunch of hand-holding. But competition for certain apartments gets mad weird, and there have literally been people camped out in front of the office overnight before the first day of open leasing, trying to get a specific highly desirable apartment.
I don't really panic about realistic stuff, I guess? Like, I figure anything realistic is by definition not the end of the world and I will just dust myself off and move on. But the emotion still hits, and since it's not based on anything realistic the way to get rid of it can't involve realism either.